Pardon the Dust

This past year at work I was on the team that helped upgrade our system from PeopleSoft 9.0 to 9.2. We tested a TON. We cleaned up thousands of rows of data. We removed hundreds of modifications, and cleaned up dozens of tables. It was stressful, messy, and exhausting. Toward the end of the project I was tested out. I had the mindset of - let's just get this in Production, and if something breaks we'll fix it there because I can't do this anymore. 

*A million notes from all the testing*

We ended up having a really successfully upgrade, and afterward while reflecting on the project, I kept thinking of how grateful I was that the Lord never looks at me like that. That He's not going to upgrade me to my "next version" until He knows I'm ready. Until He's tested everything, and made sure nothing will break. Until He knows that I will work properly with the changes attached with this new version of me. I just kept thinking of how grateful I was to have a loving Savior who has brought so much peace to my life. Who has loved me even when I don't want to be loved. Who has looked past my quirks and obnoxious obsession with musicals and basketball and The Office, and has seen the potential in me that I randomly get glimpses of. A Savior who loves me perfectly, even though I'm SOO imperfect. 

I write a lot about the temple, because it has provided so much peace in my life. A little over a year ago I wrote this blog, Far From Perfection, and outlined my journey to gaining a testimony of the temple. What you, my dear Readers, didn't get was the fall out of that blog. Well... I suppose you got glimpses, with all the frustrated blogs I posted last year. But...in more detail, immediately after posting that blog, attending the temple weekly got HARD. So hard. Not hard like I didn't have time; I've been in that situation for many years. No, hard because I just wasn't feeling it. I wasn't enjoying it anymore. It felt more like a checklist item. It wasn't providing the peace it once had. It was becoming too common place, and I was unhappy. I continued attending weekly, but I left the temple frustrated most nights. There I was, a year ago, feeling that I was in a good place with my temple attendance, and the next thing I know, I'm not feeling good anymore. 

Where had I gone wrong? Hadn't I been tested thoroughly? Hadn't the Lord and I done a ton of clean-up of my life? Hadn't we re-coded my mindset? Why was my temple attendance lacking all of a sudden? Why was the system - Cassandra 2.0 - not working properly? Systems don't just magically not work. There is always something causing a bug. What was it with me? Where was this lack of joy coming from??? 

What I have come to realize, Readers, is that the Lord was ready to take me on my next spiritual upgrade, even thought I wasn't. 

Readers, last year was tough. It contained a lot of crying, a lot of frustrated prayers, and a lot of feeling lost. It has only been recently that I have caught a glimpse of the plan the Lord has for my life, and the fact that I happen to be in the middle of my own personal spiritual upgrade.

I had to get to a really solid place before the Lord could take me down the next hard path.

I had to be ready to go. I had to be tested thoroughly. I had to see that I couldn't break. I had to work in all conditions. I had to know for myself that I could work even when it got tough. 

It's been in those moments of realizing that the Lord is currently working on me that I am reminded of just how much He loves me. Just how much He's willing to go through to get me to be the best version of me. Even when I'm dragging my feet. Even when I'm crying through tears of frustration. Even when I feel inadequate or unloved. The Lord still loves me, even though I have no clue what I'm doing most of the time. Even though my life is a jumble of messes and failures. There's no bug in the system; this is the Lord, taking me down paths I would have never gone because they appear too hard or scary. He is in control, and He knows what He's doing. 

Sometimes our spiritual upgrades are taking longer than we want, and we're struggling. We're following directions, we're using all the proper code, but it still isn't working. We're still not getting the answer we want. We don't understand why some people seem to be moving on while we're stuck in this place, wanting to get out, but feeling trapped.

Readers, something I've been learning a lot over the past several years is that the Lord's plan is different for all of us. Sometimes He takes us down paths that seem longer because He needs us there - to meet people, for us to influence people, to give us opportunities to grow, to allow us opportunities to serve.... there are so many reasons, and the Lord knows all of them. He won't abandon us during our personal upgrades. He won't throw His hands up in despair because He doesn't want to work with us anymore. He won't complain or cry or promise to never look at us again. He is here for us, ALWAYS. He wants us to succeed, and therefore won't  abandon us when He gets tired. He is here for the long haul, even if it means years of work. Even if it means repeating the same lesson over and over. Even if it means waiting while we give up on ourselves. His patience and love is eternal and will never quit on us. So, pardon the dust, Readers, but I'm in the middle of an upgrade.