I'm Taking That Chance

At the end of the show Frasier, Frasier Crane gives a good-bye speech to his listeners. I guess I should say spoiler alert, but if you haven't seen Frasier by now, that's your own fault. Anyway, he says the following, and it's kind of been on my mind for the past couple of years, but even more so over the past couple of weeks:

"It may be that the gulfs will wash us down;

It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles, 
And though we are not now that strength which in old days 
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are— 
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will; 
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

I’ve been thinking about that poem a lot lately. And I think what it says is that, while it’s tempting to play it safe, the more we’re willing to risk, the more alive we are. In the end, what we regret most are the chances we never took. And I hope that explains, at least a little, this journey on which I am about to embark. I have loved every minute with my KACL family, and all of you. For eleven years you've heard me say, "I’m listening." Well, you were listening, too. And for that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle."(Frasier, season 11, episode 24)

Almost seven years ago I quit my job at the Natural History Museum in search of something better. I had no idea what, but I knew if I was going to stay in Salt Lake, I'd need a job within the month. A trip to the temple reminded me that I was needed here, in Salt Lake, and I proceeded to apply to every job possible. By the end of the month I got hired at a data entry level position in the Registrar's Office, preparing not to stay long because I had plans to serve a mission. Well, the mission fell through, and .... a few months turned into a year, and then I got promoted. And then the following year I got promoted again. And all of a sudden I'm coming up on almost SEVEN years in this office, and I'm looking around, wondering when that happened. And also thinking of all the great people I've gotten to know because of this job. Example A:

Five years ago this weekend I went through the temple. Best decision of my life. That weekend, after all the excitement died down, I had my dad give me a blessing. I was job searching at the time. Surprise. In the blessing my dad said a job was being prepared for me that would help me grow in the next short while. Well, the NEXT DAY Andrea, my boss for the past almost 5 years, approached me about applying for an open position as her assistant. OK, fine, it was as the Assistant Registrar for Student Systems and Technology. Yuck. What a mouthful. It eventually turned into the Sr. Systems Analyst role, and I've been updating and modifying and implementing and coding and testing, and basically pushing my brain to learn more about technology than I EVER wanted to learn ever since.

Until a few weeks ago when I put my notice in.

And now, here I am, exhausted from the past few weeks of trying to wrap up and document my job for the next person to take over, and it's kinda... surreal. Which is maybe the theme for my life this year.

It started several months ago. A position opened up above mine in March and I realized I didn't want it. I no longer wanted to move up in the Higher Education world, and so it was time for a change. I mean, to be honest, I'd been feeling restless for a while. I'd talked to my boss about it in January and she said she'd work with me on finding more opportunities for me to grow. But, the realization hit hard when I didn't want to move up anymore but I was ready for a new challenge. I had not idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go, I just knew I was ready to be somewhere different.

And in the midst of all this mess of me trying to figure out my life, Beryl died. 

I started really realizing that I didn't want to live life with any regrets. That I didn't want to look back and be disappointed that I stayed somewhere, even though I knew I wasn't where I wanted to be. I wanted to be living life to the fullest. I wanted to be proud of where I was and what I was doing. I wanted to live like Beryl. 

So, in the beginning of May I started applying for a bunch of tech jobs. Get out of Higher Ed and see what the tech world looked like, right? The thing I was trained to do. But, those job descriptions made me realize I didn't want to actually work in the tech field anymore.....

So, I FASTED. And PRAYED a lot. That week I was walking to my car after work, feeling frustrated and confused as to what to do, and then this distinct impression went through my mind to reach out to an attorney friend of mine to ask her if she knew of any paralegal positions open in the valley. 

I reached out to her that night, and less than a week later I had turned in my notice and was preparing to embark on this new journey in the law world. 

It all happened so fast.

And yet, not, you know? Months of trying to figure it out. To be honest, years of trying to figure it out. Really frustrated prayers as I've been trying to figure out where I want to go/what I want to do. Feeling confused and lost and annoyed that I STILL didn't have my life figured out. I'm almost 30. Come one, Cash. I mean, it was frustrating. Sure, once the answer came it all went so quickly. A month ago I had no idea what I was doing, and now I'm trying not to throw up thinking about starting my new job tomorrow. 

I'm also trying not to feel guilty about leaving my job of almost FIVE years. Those projects I was in the middle of. All the processes I had planned on implementing. All the people all over campus that I was such good friends with. I mean... it's a lot of emotions. 

And as I'm looking back at the almost SEVEN years worth of memories, I can't help but say THANK YOU to the U for all of the great times. 

For the Office worthy moments.

The laughter, the pranks, the jokes.

All of the desks I sat in....

The office parties.

COMMENCEMENT #bestdayoftheyear

The Halloween costumes.

The random treats. The pizza days when the bosses were out. 

THE STICKY NOTE ADDICTION

The work conferences. Kansas City. Nashville. Rochester. Las Vegas. Salt Lake City. 

 

The presentations I got to give!

The breaks.

The FRIENDS

The hot coworkers. The tragic events that brought us together. Lunch breaks all over campus. The long walk across campus from my car to my office. The mouse in the office, and my subsequent freak out of it. The snow days (we had TWO of them in the past 7 years). The Summit! The music video.... ok, that didn't happen, but it would have it people would have supported me more in that dream... #sigh... 

There are so many more memories. So many times I've grown and been pushed to learn more and to expand my mind. There have been really hard times, too. The stress levels, the anxiety, the meltdowns. These were such growing years for me. I wouldn't be where I am without all the support of my wonderful boss and coworkers, and all the other people across campus, encouraging me to be better. 

It's so weird to think that I won't be there with them, planning funny pranks, laughing at mistakes, dealing with frustrated parents, coding requisites, testing new products. It's scary to leave the known and venture to the unknown. I just keep thinking of this line that Frasier says in the last episode of his show:

"In the end, what we regret most are the chances we never took."

Readers, I'm taking that chance. Thanks University of Utah, for taking a chance on me all those years ago. See you on the other side.

#GoUtes