#livelikeberyl

I've started writing this blog about a dozen times over the past 6 months. I keep starting and then I cry, and I can't stop crying, and I want to just forget. I want to just rewind to April 15th. Before. No. I want to rewind to the 13th. 

April 13th. I would give anything to go back to April 13th. I was in California with friends, having a blast at Disneyland/California Adventure. I got to see one of my childhood besties, Jess, and hang out at the beach. It was the perfect trip. I loved it. I loved getting away. I loved visiting the beach - I love the beach. I had been feeling so trapped, and the trip was so needed.

We got back from our fun trip on Sunday, and I spent Monday morning in the Urgent Care. Yep. I got super sick on the way home from the trip. I was so upset. I had to be on antibiotics for several days, and I had a lot of words to say to Heavenly Father about it, mostly about how awful mortality was, and how much I couldn't wait to be in the next life where everything would be perfect, and I could never get sick again...........

And then the week progressed on. We had a girls night on Tuesday, I watched the Celtics win a game that Wednesday, then I proceeded to meet up with the relief society and elders quorums presidencies to go over ministering. I was still wearing my Celtics jersey. 

And then....

Beryl was missing. 

That was it. 

And then a flood of texts messages. Beryl is missing. Prayer meeting at 9 at Beryl's house. 

The next 24 hours were a blur. Surreal, as I kept saying. Multiple prayer meetings. Calling my family members to make sure they were ok. Crying. A lot of crying. Begging, PLEADING with the Lord for us to find him. 

At one of the prayer meetings a member of our ward, Austin, AKA AP, gave a prayer that we would find Beryl. That the searchers would find him alive, and it would all be ok. I felt so much peace in that prayer. I drove to work and called my mom and told her I knew we would find him, and that he must be alive because of the peace I had felt. 

And then.... then they found his body. 

And then we planned a funeral. 

And the weeks blurred. Food was tasteless. Friends stayed together more often. No one wanted to be alone. My anxiety was out of control because I was too vulnerable to be alone, but I NEEDED time away from people to re-coop. 

And then ... we laughed again. I remember not knowing when it would be ok to laugh again. Life started moving on, even if we weren't ready.

Beryl, I wish I could go back to April 15th. I wish instead of jokingly asking about what you had eaten for lunch I had asked you to come over so I could tell you thanks for always being so supportive of me. For always encouraging me. 

I wish you had been there for Dan's wedding. 

I wish you had been there when I decided to quit my job and pursue a career in the legal world.

I wish you had been there when Al signed with the Sixers.

I wish you had been there for the Spudman. 

I wish you had been there when we split the relief society. 

I wish you had been there when we said good-bye to Rachel.

I wish you had been there when AP was hit by that car. 

I wish you had been there when I took the LSAT.

I wish you were here now, telling me to stop being ridiculous and not stress about the future. 

There are so many times I have to remind myself that you haven't just moved across the country; you're really gone. I can't just text you to invite you to dinner or a movie. You're not going to walk by the window and pretend you can't hear us when we shout at you. 

You're just not here.

And I sit here, crying, 6 months later, and it still shocks me. It shocks me that I lost a friend. 

And I want to go back to April 13th. I want to go back before this year happened. Before life got real and messy and hard. Before grown up trials occurred. Before all the PAIN happened. So much pain. 

BUT

But, there are these others things that occurred, too.

Caring more about my friends. Making sure they know they are important to me.

Feeling so loved.

Serving others.

Mourning with those that mourn. Comforting those that stand in need of comfort.

Having the COURAGE to do hard things. Taking giant leaps because no one wants to miss out.

You taught us that. By not being here, you taught us to love more deeply; to care about others; to live each day to the fullest; to love the Lord always. So much hope and peace from so much pain. So much growth from so much despair. So much happiness from so much sorrow. You allowed us all to grow. You allowed us to become more than we were.

I was talking to one of my really good friends who lost her baby at 38 weeks a few months ago, and I told her I wish I could take away all the bad things that happened to people, and she reminded me that we needed to experience hard things to progress. We would never grow if life didn't throw any size of curve ball at us. I keep thinking about that when I think about us losing you, Beryl. My goodness, how much we have grown because of you. 

Beryl, I miss you. We all miss you. Part of me can't believe it's already been 6 months, and the other part of me is shocked that it's only been 6 months. 

Thank you, Beryl, for letting me (us) be a part of your mortal experience. I am a better person because I knew you. You are not forgotten. Not even a little bit. #livelikeberyl