Change is Scary Hard

The past several weeks have been a whirlwind of good-byes and packing. And meltdowns. And a LOT of freaking out. And second guessing every decision I've made over the past year. I was with someone shortly before I left Utah who was asking me how all this came about - why I decided to go to law school. I brought up the feelings of restlessness that led to me seeking revelation on what to do with my life, that then led to me receiving several promptings to leave everything and go to law school. I mentioned Beryl's death, and how that made me realize life was short and I needed to live it to the fullest. I reminded them that I miraculously got a good score on the LSAT and then got the best scholarship offer from my top law school choice. I reflected on how moving everything to my new place went so smoothly. 

As I sat and shared this story for the millionth time, I started thinking about how I've been feeling most of this year.

See, the past several months - especially this past month - I have been questioning my decision to go to law school DAILY. 

"But, do I REALLY need to leave Utah? Why didn't I apply here? There are two really good law schools within driving distance of where I live; why don't I just apply to them????"

"What if I don't make any friends? I'm jumping right into the family ward, and I'm just not sure I'll make any friends. Why would I want to leave the amazing support group I have here??"

"Spokane???? I know NOTHING about Spokane. I don't know ANYTHING about Washington. What am I supposed to do in WASHINGTON??? There are NO mountains there. How am I supposed to live without mountains???"

"What if I suck at law school? I have high anxiety; how am I supposed to function in law school with high anxiety?"

"I'm 30 - I shouldn't be having a mid-life crisis right now. I'll be the weird old lady in all my classes."

"I'm not married. After avoiding this path for so long, I'm just gonna go down it, knowing marriage isn't in the plan? Why would I do this??"

"I'm not grown up enough for this; I can't move out of state! This is the most ridiculous idea."

Just complaining, second guessing, and questioning everything that has led me to this point in my life. This last weekend as I was sharing the whole story again, I was reminded that I ASKED FOR THIS.

I prayed to know what direction the Lord wanted me to take. 

I asked for MORE.

I wanted the new adventure. 

I wanted to progress and get more involved in helping people. 

I wanted to see what revelation the Lord wanted to give me. 

I've wanted to go to law school since I was 10. When President Nelson challenged us to increase our spiritual capacity to receive revelation, I took that challenge and begged to know what the Lord had planned for me. I started looking for something new. I was ready when the Spirit whispered to go down this new path, and then continued to receive direction as to where to go and what to do. 

As I was reminded of that this past week, my prayers changed. Instead of complaining and questioning if this was still the plan, I just felt so grateful that my prayers had been answered. I felt so much humility, reflecting on the blessings, support, and MIRACLES that had occurred in my life for several years, preparing me for this path. 

I went to visit Beryl's grave right before I left Utah, and instead of chewing him out about dying and making me rethink my life, I just thanked him for giving me the courage to go into the unknown. The Lord really can take whatever we give Him - sorrow, pain, heartache - and create something amazing - in my case, courage.  

As I drove away from Utah, I started getting excited again. Excited for this new adventure. I have been struggling these past several months, leaving behind the life I was living, afraid to start this new life. When I finally let go of the sadness and fear, I was left with excitement and joy that God saw more in me than what I saw, and was willing to work with me, even though I'm a rather slow learner. 

I remember the day I got the acceptance letter from Gonzaga in the mail - I got in my car after work to drive home and the thought went through my head that my acceptance letter was in the mailbox, waiting for me. I wasn't expecting to hear from them for at least another week, so the thought was very out of the blue. I got so excited, I started crying from joy on my way home and then nearly burst with excitement when I opened the mailbox half an hour later and saw the gold envelope sitting there, waiting to change my life. 

I've been reflecting on this quote that I heard and shared in my blog back in 2016, and wanted to share it again - 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

Look, Readers, change is SCARY HARD. But, I know that God had a hand in getting me into law school because there is no way that my anxiety filled average self could have done it on my own. I know a lot of times it feels like God is ignoring us because we're not receiving answers immediately - this process has been filled with a LOT of waiting, with just a little trickle of immediate answers. But, the answers that came were bigger and more clear than I had been anticipating. I know that God can lead us down a path that literally makes NO SENSE, and somehow fulfill our deepest wishes and dreams. What would you do if you knew you could not fail because God needed you to succeed? 

Can't begin to give enough shoutouts to all of my friends and family who supported me specifically with this huge life change, but also just with life in general. Saying good-bye in the middle of a pandemic made it difficult, and I forgot to take pictures with so many of you, but just know I love and admire all of you, and can't thank you enough for all the words of encouragement throughout this process. Thanks for cheering on my dream. Thanks for inspiring me to be the best I can be. Love you all 3,000.