Right Where I Am Supposed To Be

I'm happy. That's what I keep telling people when they ask if I'm scared/anxious/nervous. Nope, I'm just really happy right now. For the first time in a REALLY long time I don't feel like my life is a mess. I mean, my anxiety is crazy cuz it's winter, and I'm tired all the time because I work a lot, but that mess that my life always seems to be has become un-messy, and everything is calm.

I'm just really happy!

But, what about the lead up to all of this happiness? I have tried to be very open about how hard this journey has been because I know how hard it is to see someone else have something happy happen to them when you're struggling to figure out your life, or when you're going through a really hard trial and it seems like everyone else is just living the nice comfy life and you're feeling like life will never be that happy again. 

The thing is, this whole process WASN'T happy. It was HARD. And MESSY. I mean, just read my blog from the past several years - I have been VERY open about how DIFFICULT this journey has been. I have struggled for YEARS to get to this point in my life. I have gone through periods of time when it felt like the Lord was ignoring me. I have felt forgotten, lonely, and like a complete loser at times. I have struggled making choices because I was worried about skrewing up my future children's lives. I have struggled with my self worth, my ability to do hard things, my fear of letting people down, the possibility of becoming someone I didn't want to be.... It has been a HARD road, filled with lots of tears and feelings of hopelessness. But it ended up here - right where I am supposed to be.

pc: SG

And, dang, isn't that just how life is? Isn't it funny how we stress about all of these decisions and worry that we are going to skrew up everything, and then it all works out and we see how God has been leading us the whole time and if we could just see - if we could only just SEE what God has in store for us, how much EASIER life would be?

Like, if only we could see that that abusive relationship would lead us to be more compassionate towards others, which would lead us to build a really great support system when we were learning to cope with our anxiety.

Or, that the horrible fall out with she-who-must-not-be-named that would force us to leave our old comfortable life would lead us to meeting an amazing group of friends who would make us laugh and accept ourselves as we are, as well as try new things, such as travel to fun places and become obsessed with the NBA. 

And that that really hard move would allow us to meet a really great relief society president who happened to be an attorney, who, years later, we would reach out to to get a job as a paralegal at their firm and start the ball rolling in this whole law school journey. 

And that all those nights of crying on the bathroom floor, begging God to speak to us - even just a little nudge letting us know it would all work out - would help us grow to trust Him more, which would lead to us trusting Him enough to take that leap when the opportunity was placed in front of us to jump. 

And all of those people we were meeting and making connections with? They would end up cheering us on and supporting us more than we EVER felt we deserved - they would carry us as we struggled over the past year(s) to fulfill our dream of attending law school, and they would all be as excited as we are when we finally get accepted to our top school. 

Yes. If only we could see everything as God sees it. 

Look, Readers, I know life is hard. I know life can be crazy and messy and seem uncomfortable and sometimes you're mad at God for ignoring your pleas and wanting MORE from Him - for a LONG amount of time. I know that sometimes you give up on Him and sometimes life seems ridiculously unfair and that you never seem to catch a break. 

I know that. 

I've been there soo often. 

But, also, I know that God has a plan. And that all those hard, crazy, weird days are going to work together for our GOOD. 

I know that seems insane. 

I know. 

Especially when you are in the middle of the most frustrating parts of life. But, trust me - it will all work out. Nothing is impossible for God. NOTHING. Not even getting anxiety filled, average Cassandra into law school. Trust me; if God can work the miracle of getting ME into law school, He can work the miracles of YOUR heart. Just, don't give up on Him. Keep going, even when it seems insane. Even when you'd rather give up. Just keep going.