Putting Myself in Mary's Shoes

I feel like I need to publicly thank everyone who listened to me cry this year. That's pretty much all of you. Thanks for not pushing me away just because I've been a mess. Thanks for not making me feel worse just because I can't seem to figure out how to hold it together. 

I said good-bye to my temple this past week. It's closing for renovations for several years, and I have been in denial about it for several months. My temple. My home. The Salt Lake temple was how I got over my homesickness. It was how I was able to feel so much comfort and peace during my worst anxiety filled days. It's the place I received my endowment. It's the place I worked in for a year and a half - my mission, as I refer to that time. It's where I learned so much about my worth and my potential. I know there are other temples; I get it. This has just become my home for so long, I can't believe it's closing. 

The closing of another door. This year a LOT of doors have closed. 

2019 became the year that I lost control of my life, which means that I lost control of my anxiety. 

2019 became the year of good-byes. 

Good-bye to Beryl

Good-bye to the University of Utah, and all my friends and fellow co-workers *along with my AMAZING benefits package, and my really good salary*

Good-bye to Al Horford - I know this sounds dumb, but I STRUGGLED losing him from our team

Good-bye to Rachel, my roommate and friend

Good-bye to my 20's - turning 30 was the WORST

Good-bye to half our relief society and half our relief society presidency

Good-bye to friends' loved ones

Good-bye to family members who decided they didn't want us to be part of their lives anymore

Good-bye to friends who moved or got married

It was a lot of good-byes. I'm tired of saying good-bye. I wish I could say I'm looking forward to not saying good-bye anytime this coming year, but I already know August is going to be hard. 

My rock, Sarah, got married this past week. I can't tell you how much you need a Sarah in your life, seeing the best in you at all times. I guess really, I can't tell you how much you need the support system I have in my life if you are going to have hard times. You NEED the hugs from Erin, the encouragement from Jessica & Kea, the wise advice of Dan & Dylan. You need the trust of Sarah J and the pushing to be the best from Jenn. You need the kind words from McKinley, and the laughter from Sam. You need the strength of Lauren and the testimony of Esther. You need the compassion of Madi and the comfort of Brock & Peter. You need the true love of the Hamilton's, and the support of your ministers - aka Brett. And so many more. How did I get so blessed to have this rock star group carrying me through life? 

I went to see Savior of the World a few weeks ago with my roommates, and felt so many emotions. How miraculous the Savior's birth was. How humbled Mary must have been. How kindhearted Joseph was. How trusting the Apostles were. I bawled through a lot of the show. I guess I was more emotional than usual that day because I had just gotten my first law school acceptance letter earlier that afternoon and I was putting myself in Mary's shoes. I was feeling humbled and scared, yet confident in the person God saw me becoming. I was thinking of how impossible this route has felt, and yet how supportive my friends were. Even when it seemed crazy. Even when it didn't seem logical. 

I'm reflecting on several years ago. August 2011. That young silly girl who moved to Salt Lake because that's what she felt like she needed to do. No other direction. Just a feeling to be here. And I'm looking back at all the blessings that have come from it. From choosing to follow a prompting. From sleeping on a friends couch to getting accepted into law school, and all the chaos in the middle. I'm thinking of all the heartaches of those years - the restlessness, the wondering what to do next, the feelings of loneliness and inadequacy and loss. I just wanted to say thanks, Readers, for always being there for me. Your friendship and love and support have not gone unnoticed. 

Of course, it is my Savior, Jesus Christ, who has been there at my most vulnerable moments, caring for me even when I was completely alone. The best thing about being single is that my relationship with my Savior has become the most important relationship in my life. It has carried me through the hardest trials and the saddest endings. It has given me hope and confidence when all seemed hopeless. 

About a month ago I had a very vulnerable prayer right before bed about all the things I was lacking. I was just about to turn 30 and I was STRUGGLING (I mean, when am I NOT struggling, right?). I woke up the next morning and the first thought in my head was about how great I was and what a strong person I had become. A reminder that all those weaknesses were not the defining characteristics of who I am - I am a daughter of God. I have divine potential, and a Father in Heaven who wants me to succeed and return to Him. How grateful I am for a Savior who listens to me cry and vent about life, but then who reminds me to "be ye therefore perfect, eventually." 

Whether you had a year like me, or whether you had the best year of your life, you NEED the Savior. He is the Light of the World. Because of Him, mortal good-byes are not the end. Because of Him, families can be together forever. Because of Him, happiness can come, even in the midst of heartache. I know He lives; I know He forgives the weakest of us. He is everything kind, loving, and good. Merry Christmas from my family to yours!