I'm RIDICULOUSLY Imperfect

"I don't want to be here. I need a break from people. I need to be... somewhere. Not here. I don't belong here. I don't fit in. I'm far too ugly and short tempered today to try to be nice to everyone. Everyone is so pretty and put together here, and I'm a disaster. Why do you even love me? I'm so annoying. I would understand you not loving me. I just want to be .... alone? No. I just need my mind to turn off for a few minutes. That's what I need. I need this *anxiety* to stop." 

That was the conversation happening in my head with God during church today. Let me explain how I got to this place. 

Friday night the Celtics lost game 3 against the Bucks. I knew I'd be in a bad mood if we lost. I was already on edge before the game started. One of my roommates wanted to watch the game with me, and I told her no; I needed to watch alone. 

Alone. That word means different things to different people. In my case it meant by myself, in my room, while all my roommates went out. To my roommates this meant me on my bed while they and a bunch of our friends sat on the stairwell right outside my room. Different meanings. I get it. Here I was, trying my best to not let the game get to me, but failing horribly. I was too depressed to hang out with my friends after the game ended, and shut myself in my room for the rest of the night. 

The disappointment in myself for being so upset fed into my anxiety the rest of the weekend. Because I am so imperfect. Because I got upset over a basketball game. 

I started beating myself up mentally, and the rest of the weekend went something like this:

"Gosh, you're so obnoxious about any of your interests - the gospel, basketball, singing, reading, etc... Can't you just be normal about life? Stop obsessing over every little thing. No wonder you aren't married. I can barely stand being around you most days; why would anyone else want to be around this forever?" 

Which progressed into this: "Everyone knows how annoying you are. That's gotta tell you something about yourself. You should not have any friends. Why do people even like me? This makes no sense. I don't even want to be friends with me." 

Which led to this: "I'm never getting married. I'm too intense, and too annoying, and too much of a pain to be around; I'm kinda boring, too. Why am I even trying anymore?" 

Which produced the above conversation this morning with God, at church, wondering why I was even there.

The big question I kept asking God the rest of sacrament meeting was WHY He loved me. 

WHY???

I'm RIDICULOUSLY imperfect. 

Why waste that energy on me? I don't get it. I don't understand why He, a PERFECT being would want to love ME, the most imperfect of all people. 

It boggles my mind. But, it also deepens my testimony in God's love. Because, really, I can't deny the fact that God loves me. Even in my worst moods; even in my most anxiety filled days; even when the world seems to be falling apart around me; even when I feel like a complete failure, I cannot push away the best truth that has ever existed - that God loves me. Me. Beating myself up, or falling so short from perfection is not going to stop Him from loving me PERFECTLY. 

And then that reminder pulls me out of the swirl of thoughts that have led me down to this pity party that had become my mind this weekend. And I remember how good I am. I remember that I am not a disappointment for being mortal. I surround myself by those who love me. I laugh. I receive a sweet text from a friend at the perfect time. I breath. I document my tender mercies. I see God's beauty all around me again. I remind myself that I'm TRYING. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. That, Readers, is what God is all about. He can take the most imperfect of messes and make them perfect. Oh, not over night, and not in this life, no. But, eventually. And without displeasure or disappointment. He WANTS to make us better. He wants us to BE better. He knows what to do to help us, and He LOVES us, even as we struggle figuring things out down here in mortality.

I think that weekends like this are those bittersweet moments life throws at us, Readers. The ones that bring out that eternal perspective that keeps us going through life, you know? How does one get through life without that knowledge? Without knowing that this life isn't all that there is. That we are made to be more than this mortal being, imperfect and constantly messing up. How does one go through this life with all the heartaches and disappointments and tragedies and not know that God exists and LOVES us? I can't imagine getting through life without knowing God was in the lead. I cannot imagine getting through this last month, with the loss of both Beryl and Pepe, as well as the sickness and disappointment that revolved around all of that, without knowing that God has a plan, and that the plan leads to eternal happiness, and not eternal disappointment. Thank goodness for that plan. Thank goodness for a perfect Father in Heaven who loves me.