It's Ok To Not Be Ok
I just finished my first half marathon. My friend, Kami, and I have been training since January, and we finally ran it yesterday! Briana decided like a week ago to run with us, and we had a blast! I don’t want to make this blog post too long, so, here are a few of the side effects I wasn’t prepared for that came about in training. This is a me being pretty vulnerable, so if you don’t want a glimpse into my inner thoughts, I’d stop reading here.
THE PAIN
Oh my gosh, the pain. The aching muscles ALL.THE.TIME. When I started training in January, I was trying really hard to do a million stretches after each run so I wouldn’t get shin splints again. In February the pain started coming back, and me icing my legs everyday was getting old. Somewhere along the way, after talking with a bunch of people, I finally figured out it was because I was running wrong! I was running on my toes! OW! When I finally fixed my run my legs stopped hurting in that way; however, they still ached. All the time. Everything was in pain. I remember the day after my first 6 mile run when my legs STILL hurt, and I had the thought go through my head that this was going to be permanent; I’m never NOT going to have pain anymore. Just so much hurt… I tried not to complain, but sometimes my legs hurt so bad, I just wanted to cry. Ok, a lot of times I did cry.
THE BREATHING PROBLEMS
Hahahaha, oh Readers…. I wish I could go to Past Cassandra and warn her of everything that was about to come her way because of this goal. Last Year Cassandra thought running a marathon was going to be so fun! She didn’t know. She couldn’t know how many things would go wrong while training. The breathing issue… that was a big thing. I didn’t notice it until about a month and a half in, and even then I didn’t realize it was an issue until a few weeks later. It was after our first long run outside – 6 miles – that I started realizing that I was having trouble breathing, and that was what was holding me back from pushing through. My body felt fine; it was my lungs. They couldn’t seem to keep the air supply up, and that would cause me to walk at parts. I was so frustrated, because I’d been training! Shouldn’t that have been keeping me going?! My sister suggested I might have asthma, and I set up an appointment with my doctor, got an inhaler, and proceeded to try to push through.
THE EXHAUSTION
Always. Tired. ALL. THE. TIME. I can’t even begin to say how many times I almost fell asleep at my desk at work during the months of training. I can’t begin to be embarrassed enough about wanting to go to bed at 8 everyday… the dragging myself to the gym each night. The not being able to communicate well with people because I was so tired. Too tired to hang out with people. Not having time to hang out with people because I was always running. The list goes on and on. The exhaustion was destroying my mental state.
THE STARVATION
Always hungry. ALL. THE. TIME. I mean… I couldn’t get enough food EVER. All day I’d just want more food. Always hungry. Wanting anything, anytime. 2nd lunches… 2nd dinners…. The constant snacking… I was dying with how ravenous I was all the time. I would either give in to those cravings, or I would resist, which would lead to hangry Cassandra… I’m sorry…. All this hunger and eating of course, led to….
THE WEIGHT GAIN
Oh wow. I was NOT expecting this. I was actually thinking I’d lose a ton of weight, with all the running and cross training I was doing…. But, no. The beginning of February I started noticing the weight gain. At first I thought it had to do with my period- sorry if this is tmi, just fair warning, you don’t have to read the rest of this paragraph if this is too personal- but I’m always super bloated around that time of the month, and my cycle had gotten messed up really badly the previous month… So, really, at first I attributed it to my hormones being thrown off. But… it wasn’t going away… it was getting worse. Was I stressed? Was that causing the weight gain? Shouldn’t I be burning off any of the food I was eating? As my roommate bragged about the pounds she was losing, I started hating myself again for putting on the weight… I had worked too hard to go back to FAT. How was I gaining weight?! This led to a lot of crying, beating myself up, cutting out food so I wouldn’t put on any more weight … I was a mess. My self-esteem was plummeting again, to a place I didn’t know still existed in my mind. Trying to date and flirt with boys came to an abrupt stop because of the self-loathing I was experiencing. It was a place I had told myself I never wanted to be at again, and here I was, dragging myself through this on PURPOSE. It was my fault I was gaining weight. The desire to run to had pushed me back down. After meeting with my doctor, we determined that I wasn’t eating enough, and therefore my body was storing all the food I was eating, afraid it wouldn’t get more to fuel my body. We also changed what I was eating – I had gotten so many recommendations from friends, and was beyond stressed. My doctor and I came up with a better meal plan, and my life started looking up.
THE STRESS/ANXIETY
From all of this, my stress level rose, exponentially. Which…. Was awful. I picked up running a few years ago because it helped calm my anxiety. Last year I hardly had any anxiety problems when I was running on a regular basis. This? This training created the exact opposite. I was always stressed about the pain, the exhaustion, the hunger, the weight gain that would come because of the running… it was all stressful. I was dying. I was constantly crying. I was anxious - SO anxious. ALL. THE. TIME. I felt like I was always a mess around everyone, and was overwhelmed with everything. The headaches. The CRYING. The worry that no one would want to spend time with me anymore, because of how stressed I was…. It was awful. I FELT awful – physically, yes, but more mentally. I felt myself going backwards. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. I was supposed to be getting stronger. I was supposed to be pushing the stress and anxiety away. This was supposed to be freeing. Instead, it was breaking me again.
That was the bad side of the training. It was AWFUL. I literally cried almost every day, because I was so stressed about everything. I apologize to all my friends; I have been kind of a disaster the past few months, and I’m sorry. You’re all amazing for sticking around me, because I was driving myself crazy most of the time.
I kept reading all these health articles and talking to all my friends, and everyone said to just keep pushing. It's supposed to get harder before it gets easier. You can do this! Maybe eat this or that. Maybe stretch more. Buy new shoes. Talk to all these professionals. Take a day off.... the constant list of things people told me I needed to do because I was FAILING was overwhelming.
So. That was me. Miserable. Every run was awful. I wanted to give up the whole time. I hated that I was so bad at running. I was feeling sick, I was putting on weight, I was stressed, my legs hurt unbearably, and I was a mess. This was NOT how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to love running! This was supposed to be the start of the race portion of my life. Instead, I was anxious, stressed, and miserable.
Then, the worst happened. I injured my knee 3 weeks prior to the race. It hurt so badly. We ran 10 miles, and then 2 days later only ran 5, and during those 5 miles I had a complete breakdown part way. Poor Kami. She had to comfort me through that portion of the run. Afterwards I was in so much pain, I couldn’t handle it. Why had my body turned on me? I was most concerned that my knee was injured in such a way that I wouldn’t be able to run the half. I was a mess. I broke down to my roommates after a few days of hobbling up and down the stairs, and they helped me pick out a knee brace, which I wore everywhere. As soon as I put the brace on, my leg felt better. I mean, it still hurt, but the pain died down a lot! Within a week my knee was feeling much better. I also was recommended magnesium oil and vitamins to try to help the pain. After two appointments with my doctor about my breathing issues and the hunger/weight gain, my life started looking up.
Since Fast Sunday fell in during the time of the knee injury, I fasted for my knee/legs, because I was so concerned. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to run, after all the work and effort I’d put in; I was not ready to give up all that training.
Also during this time I went to stake temple night with my roommate. We ended up doing sealings, and I was reminded while there that this “me” that I am – the current imperfect Cassandra, whose body was falling apart, whose stress was making everyone avoid her, whose life was not where she wanted it to be - this current “me” is NOT the final product. God sees my potential, and has so much faith in my future. He wants me to be just like Him, and has provided a way, through Christ’s Atonement, to accomplish that. Sometimes we get moments like that – the little glimpses of how God sees us – that allow us to keep moving forward. This was one of those moments.
My knee injury, the weight gain, the stress overload, the breathing issues…. I couldn’t run on my leg for almost 2 weeks! All of this happened. It was awful. I was freaking out. I was worried that I would injure my knee even more by running on it again…. But, it finally all started feeling better, and when we ran 8 miles a week prior to the race, I had the best run of the entire training. I wasn’t in pain. I wasn’t dying. I wasn’t beating myself up in my head. I was GRATEFUL. I was beyond grateful that I got to use my legs. That I could run again. That the pain was gone. That I was eating enough. That I was trying, and the Lord was aware. Oh, not just aware of the training for the half marathon. Aware of ME. Not only aware of me, but He didn't hate me for not being good at this; He loved me for trying. He sees my potential. On the morning of the race I was studying my scriptures and read Ether 12:27 - "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble". Yep. That scripture. The whole run this scripture just kept popping in my head. Wow. The Lord had definitely shown me my weaknesses during this adventure.
I want to say this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Sometimes, dear Readers, we need to go through the hard things, to know that we CAN. That does not mean that we want to do that every day; hopefully we’ll never be faced with that hard thing again – hopefully I won’t ever be forced to run a marathon (though…. It does sound appealing…so... maybe). It’s the knowledge that WE CAN DO IT that is what will push us through the hard challenges and trials that come our way next. I know I can push through, even when life flat out SUCKS. I know I can continue, even when I just want to lay down on the side of the road, or cut my legs off, or cry my eyes out. I have already pushed through the pain. I can do it again. It’s these moments in our lives - these learning moments where we don’t know why we’re doing this, but we know the end goal will be worth it – that allow us to become the best versions of ourselves.
This blog isn't me looking for sympathy or telling you all not to run marathons; on the contrary! Do it! Train, run, accomplish! Some people love this stuff! The sense of accomplishment is amazing! We're all different; we're all going through life at our own pace. I wanted to share this because sometimes I think you might think that my life is all happiness and gospel lessons all the time, and, to be honest, these past few months have been horrible. A lot of my life isn't that great. I have a lot of imperfections that people love throwing in my face. This blog is to say, it's ok to not be ok. It's ok for things to be hard. It's ok to struggle. We're human. We're supposed to have hard days. We're supposed to be imperfect and have challenges. It's ok to not be where we want to be NOW. It's these horrible days/weeks/months that remind us how grateful we are for the days when we ARE ok. When things ARE working out how we want. When we feel happy and anxious-free. When we're traveling with friends, and buying new clothes because of the weight loss. When we're able to comfort our friends, instead of being the ones in need of comfort. It's these crappy, sometimes self-inflicted bad times that allow us to marvel in the good times; to marvel that we HAVE good times.
THE PAIN
Oh my gosh, the pain. The aching muscles ALL.THE.TIME. When I started training in January, I was trying really hard to do a million stretches after each run so I wouldn’t get shin splints again. In February the pain started coming back, and me icing my legs everyday was getting old. Somewhere along the way, after talking with a bunch of people, I finally figured out it was because I was running wrong! I was running on my toes! OW! When I finally fixed my run my legs stopped hurting in that way; however, they still ached. All the time. Everything was in pain. I remember the day after my first 6 mile run when my legs STILL hurt, and I had the thought go through my head that this was going to be permanent; I’m never NOT going to have pain anymore. Just so much hurt… I tried not to complain, but sometimes my legs hurt so bad, I just wanted to cry. Ok, a lot of times I did cry.
THE BREATHING PROBLEMS
Hahahaha, oh Readers…. I wish I could go to Past Cassandra and warn her of everything that was about to come her way because of this goal. Last Year Cassandra thought running a marathon was going to be so fun! She didn’t know. She couldn’t know how many things would go wrong while training. The breathing issue… that was a big thing. I didn’t notice it until about a month and a half in, and even then I didn’t realize it was an issue until a few weeks later. It was after our first long run outside – 6 miles – that I started realizing that I was having trouble breathing, and that was what was holding me back from pushing through. My body felt fine; it was my lungs. They couldn’t seem to keep the air supply up, and that would cause me to walk at parts. I was so frustrated, because I’d been training! Shouldn’t that have been keeping me going?! My sister suggested I might have asthma, and I set up an appointment with my doctor, got an inhaler, and proceeded to try to push through.
THE EXHAUSTION
Always. Tired. ALL. THE. TIME. I can’t even begin to say how many times I almost fell asleep at my desk at work during the months of training. I can’t begin to be embarrassed enough about wanting to go to bed at 8 everyday… the dragging myself to the gym each night. The not being able to communicate well with people because I was so tired. Too tired to hang out with people. Not having time to hang out with people because I was always running. The list goes on and on. The exhaustion was destroying my mental state.
THE STARVATION
Always hungry. ALL. THE. TIME. I mean… I couldn’t get enough food EVER. All day I’d just want more food. Always hungry. Wanting anything, anytime. 2nd lunches… 2nd dinners…. The constant snacking… I was dying with how ravenous I was all the time. I would either give in to those cravings, or I would resist, which would lead to hangry Cassandra… I’m sorry…. All this hunger and eating of course, led to….
THE WEIGHT GAIN
Oh wow. I was NOT expecting this. I was actually thinking I’d lose a ton of weight, with all the running and cross training I was doing…. But, no. The beginning of February I started noticing the weight gain. At first I thought it had to do with my period- sorry if this is tmi, just fair warning, you don’t have to read the rest of this paragraph if this is too personal- but I’m always super bloated around that time of the month, and my cycle had gotten messed up really badly the previous month… So, really, at first I attributed it to my hormones being thrown off. But… it wasn’t going away… it was getting worse. Was I stressed? Was that causing the weight gain? Shouldn’t I be burning off any of the food I was eating? As my roommate bragged about the pounds she was losing, I started hating myself again for putting on the weight… I had worked too hard to go back to FAT. How was I gaining weight?! This led to a lot of crying, beating myself up, cutting out food so I wouldn’t put on any more weight … I was a mess. My self-esteem was plummeting again, to a place I didn’t know still existed in my mind. Trying to date and flirt with boys came to an abrupt stop because of the self-loathing I was experiencing. It was a place I had told myself I never wanted to be at again, and here I was, dragging myself through this on PURPOSE. It was my fault I was gaining weight. The desire to run to had pushed me back down. After meeting with my doctor, we determined that I wasn’t eating enough, and therefore my body was storing all the food I was eating, afraid it wouldn’t get more to fuel my body. We also changed what I was eating – I had gotten so many recommendations from friends, and was beyond stressed. My doctor and I came up with a better meal plan, and my life started looking up.
THE STRESS/ANXIETY
From all of this, my stress level rose, exponentially. Which…. Was awful. I picked up running a few years ago because it helped calm my anxiety. Last year I hardly had any anxiety problems when I was running on a regular basis. This? This training created the exact opposite. I was always stressed about the pain, the exhaustion, the hunger, the weight gain that would come because of the running… it was all stressful. I was dying. I was constantly crying. I was anxious - SO anxious. ALL. THE. TIME. I felt like I was always a mess around everyone, and was overwhelmed with everything. The headaches. The CRYING. The worry that no one would want to spend time with me anymore, because of how stressed I was…. It was awful. I FELT awful – physically, yes, but more mentally. I felt myself going backwards. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. I was supposed to be getting stronger. I was supposed to be pushing the stress and anxiety away. This was supposed to be freeing. Instead, it was breaking me again.
That was the bad side of the training. It was AWFUL. I literally cried almost every day, because I was so stressed about everything. I apologize to all my friends; I have been kind of a disaster the past few months, and I’m sorry. You’re all amazing for sticking around me, because I was driving myself crazy most of the time.
My support system - woke up super early to meet us a little more than half way through the race!
I kept reading all these health articles and talking to all my friends, and everyone said to just keep pushing. It's supposed to get harder before it gets easier. You can do this! Maybe eat this or that. Maybe stretch more. Buy new shoes. Talk to all these professionals. Take a day off.... the constant list of things people told me I needed to do because I was FAILING was overwhelming.
After our first big run. How does Kami look that good after 6 miles?!?!
So. That was me. Miserable. Every run was awful. I wanted to give up the whole time. I hated that I was so bad at running. I was feeling sick, I was putting on weight, I was stressed, my legs hurt unbearably, and I was a mess. This was NOT how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to love running! This was supposed to be the start of the race portion of my life. Instead, I was anxious, stressed, and miserable.
Then, the worst happened. I injured my knee 3 weeks prior to the race. It hurt so badly. We ran 10 miles, and then 2 days later only ran 5, and during those 5 miles I had a complete breakdown part way. Poor Kami. She had to comfort me through that portion of the run. Afterwards I was in so much pain, I couldn’t handle it. Why had my body turned on me? I was most concerned that my knee was injured in such a way that I wouldn’t be able to run the half. I was a mess. I broke down to my roommates after a few days of hobbling up and down the stairs, and they helped me pick out a knee brace, which I wore everywhere. As soon as I put the brace on, my leg felt better. I mean, it still hurt, but the pain died down a lot! Within a week my knee was feeling much better. I also was recommended magnesium oil and vitamins to try to help the pain. After two appointments with my doctor about my breathing issues and the hunger/weight gain, my life started looking up.
Since Fast Sunday fell in during the time of the knee injury, I fasted for my knee/legs, because I was so concerned. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to run, after all the work and effort I’d put in; I was not ready to give up all that training.
Also during this time I went to stake temple night with my roommate. We ended up doing sealings, and I was reminded while there that this “me” that I am – the current imperfect Cassandra, whose body was falling apart, whose stress was making everyone avoid her, whose life was not where she wanted it to be - this current “me” is NOT the final product. God sees my potential, and has so much faith in my future. He wants me to be just like Him, and has provided a way, through Christ’s Atonement, to accomplish that. Sometimes we get moments like that – the little glimpses of how God sees us – that allow us to keep moving forward. This was one of those moments.
My knee injury, the weight gain, the stress overload, the breathing issues…. I couldn’t run on my leg for almost 2 weeks! All of this happened. It was awful. I was freaking out. I was worried that I would injure my knee even more by running on it again…. But, it finally all started feeling better, and when we ran 8 miles a week prior to the race, I had the best run of the entire training. I wasn’t in pain. I wasn’t dying. I wasn’t beating myself up in my head. I was GRATEFUL. I was beyond grateful that I got to use my legs. That I could run again. That the pain was gone. That I was eating enough. That I was trying, and the Lord was aware. Oh, not just aware of the training for the half marathon. Aware of ME. Not only aware of me, but He didn't hate me for not being good at this; He loved me for trying. He sees my potential. On the morning of the race I was studying my scriptures and read Ether 12:27 - "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble". Yep. That scripture. The whole run this scripture just kept popping in my head. Wow. The Lord had definitely shown me my weaknesses during this adventure.
I want to say this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Sometimes, dear Readers, we need to go through the hard things, to know that we CAN. That does not mean that we want to do that every day; hopefully we’ll never be faced with that hard thing again – hopefully I won’t ever be forced to run a marathon (though…. It does sound appealing…so... maybe). It’s the knowledge that WE CAN DO IT that is what will push us through the hard challenges and trials that come our way next. I know I can push through, even when life flat out SUCKS. I know I can continue, even when I just want to lay down on the side of the road, or cut my legs off, or cry my eyes out. I have already pushed through the pain. I can do it again. It’s these moments in our lives - these learning moments where we don’t know why we’re doing this, but we know the end goal will be worth it – that allow us to become the best versions of ourselves.
This blog isn't me looking for sympathy or telling you all not to run marathons; on the contrary! Do it! Train, run, accomplish! Some people love this stuff! The sense of accomplishment is amazing! We're all different; we're all going through life at our own pace. I wanted to share this because sometimes I think you might think that my life is all happiness and gospel lessons all the time, and, to be honest, these past few months have been horrible. A lot of my life isn't that great. I have a lot of imperfections that people love throwing in my face. This blog is to say, it's ok to not be ok. It's ok for things to be hard. It's ok to struggle. We're human. We're supposed to have hard days. We're supposed to be imperfect and have challenges. It's ok to not be where we want to be NOW. It's these horrible days/weeks/months that remind us how grateful we are for the days when we ARE ok. When things ARE working out how we want. When we feel happy and anxious-free. When we're traveling with friends, and buying new clothes because of the weight loss. When we're able to comfort our friends, instead of being the ones in need of comfort. It's these crappy, sometimes self-inflicted bad times that allow us to marvel in the good times; to marvel that we HAVE good times.
Don't give up during the hard times, Readers! If there's anything I learned during this experience it's that the Lord is VERY aware of each of us. He doesn't always give us everything we want when we want it, and He doesn't always make us perfect at what we're attempting, but He is aware, and He is encouraging us. He loves us, regardless of if we come in first or last; He just wants us to try. And gosh, I'm glad I tried!
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