Dear Austin

Dear Austin,

I can't believe I'm writing this blog already. I can't believe it's almost April 6th. I can't believe how much you are about to change my life – ALL of our lives. I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for Nicole to leave. I'm so excited for her to marry you, obviously, but..... I'm not ready for her not to be there anymore.

Not to be HERE.

In the room right next door.

On the couch, sleeping as we all talk about our lives late at night.

Willing to kill a spider whenever I see one.

Sitting in a chair, listening to me cry about things I only ever talk about with my mom.

I'm not ready.

And, not only are you stealing her from me -from US -, but, you've left no one who could possibly replace her. I'm unbelievably happy for her, yet unbelievably selfishly sad that she won't be right here when I need her. When I need that extra laugh over her funny dinners, or her wisdom over my mess of a life, or her compliments when I'm feeling insecure. I'm not ready.

What are we going to do without our Nicole? My other roomies keep getting sad about her leaving, and I keep reminding them that Nicole and I were roommates for a whole year before we all moved in together, so I have the most claim on her. I have gone to her for years with my life adventures. I’ve gotten to be there for all her big moments. We’ve both grown so much, and it’s so hard to know she won’t be here with me - us – anymore.

A while ago we were driving to a dinner at Bishop's house, and Nicole decided to drive. As we got into her car I was reminiscing over when she bought her car - I was there! I was there when she brought her beautiful new car home! - And... I started CRYING. Over the memory of her buying her car!…

No.

It wasn't that.

I started crying because I have SO MANY memories with Nicole. Two and a half YEARS worth of memories. How does one replace someone like that in their life? They can't.

When Nicole came to look at our apartment all those years ago, I almost didn’t even meet her. I was on the phone in my room with my mom, and had told my roommate to just invite whomever she wanted to move in, because I probably wasn’t going to stay much longer…. And then I met her. I instantly knew she was someone amazing, and after we talked for a while I greatly regretted my decision to move out… so, I stayed. I stayed and made this lifelong adopted sister of a friend, who is the most kind and loving roommate/friend a girl could ask for.

These past few years have been growing years for me. I’ve discovered so much about myself. I’ve changed in ways I didn’t know were possible. I’ve developed new habits, tried new things, pushed out of my comfort zone – all the while having Nicole there, cheering me on; encouraging me when I got down on myself. We’ve had so many laughs – soooo many. Can’t begin to tell you how much FUN we have had over the past few years. We’ve cried, we’ve partied, we’ve stayed up late, we’ve dealt with sickness, heartache, dating, stress, anxiety… everything. We’ve gone through it all. And it was amazing. As much as I hate being single, I’m so grateful I got to have Nicole there with me, bringing happiness and hope and laughter through the hard days, and making life FUN.

So, fine. Marry her. Take her away from this wonderful life we created. I get it. Marriage is going to be BETTER. And, those happy, wonderful, hilarious memories she made with us? She’s just going to make them even more with YOU. I am so excited for the two of you – getting to start this next step in life! I’m so excited that you two found each other; that you worked through the hard parts of your relationship because you knew each other was WORTH it. You’re two of the BEST people that I know, and I can’t believe I got to be a part of your lives; that you both got to be a part of MINE.

Thanks for the memories, Nicole. Love you to the moon and back, and forever. You’ll always be a sister to me, and you’ll always be the first person I call if I ever need to borrow sugar.

Love,
Cassandra