Life is so Full of Joy

Joseph came back into my life this past week. You remember him, right? He had all those brothers, and a really cool technicolor dream coat? I learned to dance for him, memorized an entire musical, gave up all my free time for months, and CHANGED for him. Remember that? He changed my life last year. He gave me courage, and helped me discover who I am - no, he helped me become who I am. I owe Joseph a lot for that life changing experience.

This past week, he brought in another life lesson, that I so desperately need right now. It was in my institute class. I'm studying women of the scriptures this semester and loving it! This past week's lesson was on all the woman villains of the scriptures, which of course led to a discussion involving Potiphar's wife. We had just had a talk about Delilah and Samson, and how Samson kept choosing to put himself into bad situations; situations he should not have been in, but kept going because he thought he was strong enough. He thought he could handle the temptations. He thought he was indestructible. And yet, he fell. When we keep putting ourselves in harms path, it gets easier and easier to push the line a little further each time.

Potiphar's wife and Joseph were a different story. Joseph was not purposefully putting himself into this situation. His brothers had sold him to a "hairy bunch of Ishmaelites" and he ended up with Potiphar. He, through his hard work and goodness, was quickly promoted, and Potiphar's wife noticed him. She kept trying and trying to seduce him, but he refused every time. He kept himself from temptation, and eventually ran from her, and she took his coat and spread lies, and he ended up in prison.... for years! Or something - I guess there's not a time frame given... but it wasn't overnight, you know? He was in prison for a while! And, this is where the story turns to being about me.

This past year has .... broken me. I crave being a mother so badly. There, I said it. Normally I'm fine. I cry about being single with my roommates, remind myself how freakin amazing I am and how so-and-so would be so lucky, plaster a smile on my face, count my blessings, attend the temple, and get on with life. That band-aid solution stopped working this past year. I'm turning 28 soon, which, in the Mormon realm of YSA's is the danger zone. This is it. You need to find a husband now, or you will be leaving the YSA scene in a way you never imagined. The pressure is on, and those eggs are drying up quickly....

And so, Joseph and I are both trying our hardest to live up to what we know is expected of us, and keep getting knocked down... and we can't seem to catch a break! Shouldn't blessings be flowing for what I'm doing?

At this point of Joseph's life, he is thrown into prison for standing up for his beliefs and not giving in, even when no one seemed to be watching. However, what seems to be punishment for him holding fast to his morals eventually leads to him becoming Pharaoh's right hand man. Oh, Joseph thought he had it good as Potiphar's servant, but the Lord tested and tried him, and gave him something even better. Something that would allow him to bless and serve more people than he could have at Potiphar's house.

All because he waited.

All because he stayed true to the commandments even when no one was looking.

All because he put his life in the Lord's hands.

I've been reflecting so much on this lesson, especially this past weekend while listening to General Conference. Elder Holland reminding me that in mortality, perfection is still pending; President Nelson and President Eyring testifying of the power of the Book of Mormon, and the blessings that come from listening to the Prophet's voice; Elder Oaks speaking on families, and testifying of the truths that bring my heart the most joy; Elder Rasband reminding me that coincidences are not how the Lord works, but rather He has a plan for all of us, even if it is just a five minute window; countless others reminding us that many times those that need the most service are the ones right in front of us. So many lessons. So many times when the Spirit testified of the truthfulness of their words.

I have been struggling this past year because I keep looking at God as a metaphorical vending machine - putting in my good works, and expecting an outcome that never appears. That's not how the Lord works. He isn't converting my good works into tickets, waiting for me to decide between a teddy bear or a bracelet (the teddy bear, duh). He's asking me to be His hands on this earth for a while. He's asking me to have faith and trust in His plan. He's asking me to stand my ground when so many around me cave in to the world's pressures. He's asking me to wait. Wait for the best thing, and not just the good thing.

That principle is so hard. I've written of patience multiple times, and even though I'm more understanding of it now, I still struggle implementing it in my life. I can sit here and bear my testimony of God's plan, and of His love, and His all knowing wisdom, but at the end of the day, I'm human. And mortality is hard. And having hope brings so much joy, but it also brings loneliness and sadness as I struggle to get to that hope. Life isn't always late nights, laughing with roommates, and adventuring in NYC; no. Life is sometimes loneliness and disappointment in the what if's and the could have been's. And yet, it's the combination of the joy and the sorrow that are needed to help us progress.

Just as Joseph had to got through the trials of feeling abandoned in prison, we too have our personal closed doors where we wonder why life has turned its back on us and we seem to never end up where we want to be. I have seen, however, that life is so full of joy when one places Christ in the center. Even with all these disappointments, and days of inadequacy, and moments of great sorrow, the Lord and His Atonement always bring peace and comfort. I'm so grateful to have someone rooting for me every step of this journey, even with all my imperfections. Hang in there, fellow Joseph's; our story is not finished yet.

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