Life Throws Curve Balls
On Tuesday night, after the Celtics announced that they had traded half our team for one player, I was shocked.
Devastated.
Sad. ... So unbelievably sad.
Crushed, even.
This was an unexpected blow.
I spent the first night crying and trying to get distracted, but was basically beyond consoling. I’ve spent most of the week representing my feelings through my clothes (all black in mourning, all blue as sadness, red in anger….), and trying to avoid twitter, Nate Duncan, and the Celtics fan in the office next to me who has always hated a certain favorite former player of mine, and would be beyond happy to gloat about this trade.
How could Danny Ainge do this to me?! To us?! To the team?!
It was ward temple night, and I had already committed to going with my roommates, so I sucked it up and went to the temple an hour after news broke.... and tried again and again to not start crying. The entire time I just felt sad. And then I felt horrible for being so sad about basketball in the temple, which proceeded to make me feel worse than I already felt... *sigh*... As I sat there, talking with the Lord about what a failure I felt for being so distracted by something as trivial as basketball while in the temple, I started thinking about what we're doing on this Earth anyway.
We're supposed to experience pain to understand pleasure, right? How else could we do that without having unexpected events occur? How could we grow if adversity did not exist? The Lord didn't send us down here to live in the temple and never find hobbies and interests outside of that. That's part of our Earthly experience! And while I was sitting there, on the verge of tears because two of my favorite players had been traded, I was reminded that my interests aren't stupid. The Lord is interested in my life, whether it's being brokenhearted over a basketball trade, or a hard problem at work, or even something as pathetic as my dating life; He CARES. And not only that, but He WANTS me to talk to Him about this!
And as that realization hit me, I started looking at this trade differently. No, I'm not ok with it - don't you dare tell me how supposedly great Kyrie is; I do NOT want to hear it right now. No, I didn't start liking the trade. I didn't just trust the process and continue on blindly. No. I realized that this is just like life. Life throws curve balls all the time. ALL.THE.TIME. When has anything EVER gone as planned? Not in my life, it hasn't. My plan was to get married, have a bunch of kids, travel with my family, and be a really awesome mom. I've for sure mentioned this before! Maybe I'd work, or maybe I'd be a stay at home mom; that was flexible. But the wife/mother part? That was the plan.
And it hasn't happened.
And I have been shocked.
And devastated.
And sad. So unbelievably sad.
I've been crushed.
This has been an unexpected blow to my plans.
As I grew to realize that my own personal life is not turning out the way I wanted it at all - that that amazing Isaiah Thomas of a guy moved away and left my heart broken. That the Jae Crowders in my life didn't notice me and ended up with someone else. That the potential future pick ended up not moving here, but is somewhere else, flirting with all the snarky Office lovers of the world elsewhere; that realization brought this trade into perspective.
In my life I have come to realize that hard things happen because we wouldn't grow if they didn't. I've spent the majority of this Summer freaking out about why I quit the temple. I still don't have an answer, and it's stressed me out. I've been overwhelmed with work - I'm currently working on a project that seems bigger than anything I've done before, and it's intimidating me. I've been trying to figure out why I seem to be friends with all the men, but none of them want to date me. I've been excited and scared to celebrate my 5 year anniversary in the Registrar's Office next month.... and through all of this, there has been a lot of tears, a lot of "I'm not good enough" freak outs, a lot of complaining to the Lord.... it has been a really hard Summer. But through all of it - through the messy tears, the late night drives, the feelings of aloneness, the stressed out phone calls to my mom - through all of it, I've known that the Lord hasn't abandoned me.
Yes, leaving the temple was heartbreaking! And yet, I've discovered so much about myself this Summer. I keep telling people that I don't know why I quit, and that that is the hardest part of quitting, but that I have been able to focus so much on other aspects of my life that were being pushed to the side because I had too many other commitments - the temple being one of the big ones. I'm not complaining about that - I loved my time as a temple worker and would do it again in a heartbeat. It literally was the best blessing in my life of anything I've ever done, and I loved every minute of it. I'm not trying to say that the temple distracted me. I'm trying to say that I didn't have time for other things! And I was ok with it. But, now that I have that time, I've been able to sign up for that Data Analysis Certificate program, and travel to NYC, and take a random trip to Boise when I'm on the verge of a break down, and spend more time with friends, and plan more adventures.... I'm growing in other ways, and it's great! It was hard, at first, and I complained a lot, but I've grown to accept my life, and not only that, but to ENJOY it!
And I guess that's what this trade kind of made me realize. All Summer long I've really struggled because I've been trying to figure out what I've done wrong to have to leave the temple. I've struggled with my relationship with the Lord. I've actually written three blogs (unpublished) about this because I've just felt so confused, and stressed and heartbroken, and disappointed in myself for not being better, and not being able to balance my life, and.... I've just grown to realize that sometimes change happens NOT BECAUSE WE'RE BAD, but just because it's what the Lord thinks is needed in our life. And sometimes it sucks majorly - like losing half of my team... *or basically my entire team this year; thanks Danny Ainge*. Sometimes change is great, like getting married or moving across the country! Change isn't always bad. And even when it is bad, it doesn't have to be horrible, BECAUSE we have Christ! He is there, helping, guiding, forgiving, loving, and comforting. The hard times in life don't have to be horrible, because Christ has already atoned for our sins. He loves us and never abandons us; He carries us in our hardest times, and heals our broken hearts.
I don't mean to talk about basketball all the time; I'm sorry! It just... clicked this week, as I was sitting there, freaking out about my team, and of this coming year, and it made me realize just how much I needed that perspective in my life right then. I needed to have something outside of my own personal life to happen to remind me that life can be hard, but Christ is there for me. And that allowed me to move on....
That, and.... then I went and bought ice cream. Yes, that is how depressed I was. I ate mint chocolate chip ice cream, which, I know what you're thinking - "Cassandra, you're deathly allergic to mint chocolate chip ice cream, because of the ice cream and the chocolate!" I know.
But, sometimes we have to metaphorically don our Al Horford jerseys, eat that mint chocolate chip ice cream that we're deathly allergic to to try to feel better, take a deep breath, and move forward with the new life that we've been given; hopeful that it will bring just as much joy, even though it is different than we anticipated.
Devastated.
Sad. ... So unbelievably sad.
Crushed, even.
This was an unexpected blow.
I spent the first night crying and trying to get distracted, but was basically beyond consoling. I’ve spent most of the week representing my feelings through my clothes (all black in mourning, all blue as sadness, red in anger….), and trying to avoid twitter, Nate Duncan, and the Celtics fan in the office next to me who has always hated a certain favorite former player of mine, and would be beyond happy to gloat about this trade.
How could Danny Ainge do this to me?! To us?! To the team?!
It was ward temple night, and I had already committed to going with my roommates, so I sucked it up and went to the temple an hour after news broke.... and tried again and again to not start crying. The entire time I just felt sad. And then I felt horrible for being so sad about basketball in the temple, which proceeded to make me feel worse than I already felt... *sigh*... As I sat there, talking with the Lord about what a failure I felt for being so distracted by something as trivial as basketball while in the temple, I started thinking about what we're doing on this Earth anyway.
We're supposed to experience pain to understand pleasure, right? How else could we do that without having unexpected events occur? How could we grow if adversity did not exist? The Lord didn't send us down here to live in the temple and never find hobbies and interests outside of that. That's part of our Earthly experience! And while I was sitting there, on the verge of tears because two of my favorite players had been traded, I was reminded that my interests aren't stupid. The Lord is interested in my life, whether it's being brokenhearted over a basketball trade, or a hard problem at work, or even something as pathetic as my dating life; He CARES. And not only that, but He WANTS me to talk to Him about this!
And as that realization hit me, I started looking at this trade differently. No, I'm not ok with it - don't you dare tell me how supposedly great Kyrie is; I do NOT want to hear it right now. No, I didn't start liking the trade. I didn't just trust the process and continue on blindly. No. I realized that this is just like life. Life throws curve balls all the time. ALL.THE.TIME. When has anything EVER gone as planned? Not in my life, it hasn't. My plan was to get married, have a bunch of kids, travel with my family, and be a really awesome mom. I've for sure mentioned this before! Maybe I'd work, or maybe I'd be a stay at home mom; that was flexible. But the wife/mother part? That was the plan.
And it hasn't happened.
And I have been shocked.
And devastated.
And sad. So unbelievably sad.
I've been crushed.
This has been an unexpected blow to my plans.
As I grew to realize that my own personal life is not turning out the way I wanted it at all - that that amazing Isaiah Thomas of a guy moved away and left my heart broken. That the Jae Crowders in my life didn't notice me and ended up with someone else. That the potential future pick ended up not moving here, but is somewhere else, flirting with all the snarky Office lovers of the world elsewhere; that realization brought this trade into perspective.
In my life I have come to realize that hard things happen because we wouldn't grow if they didn't. I've spent the majority of this Summer freaking out about why I quit the temple. I still don't have an answer, and it's stressed me out. I've been overwhelmed with work - I'm currently working on a project that seems bigger than anything I've done before, and it's intimidating me. I've been trying to figure out why I seem to be friends with all the men, but none of them want to date me. I've been excited and scared to celebrate my 5 year anniversary in the Registrar's Office next month.... and through all of this, there has been a lot of tears, a lot of "I'm not good enough" freak outs, a lot of complaining to the Lord.... it has been a really hard Summer. But through all of it - through the messy tears, the late night drives, the feelings of aloneness, the stressed out phone calls to my mom - through all of it, I've known that the Lord hasn't abandoned me.
Yes, leaving the temple was heartbreaking! And yet, I've discovered so much about myself this Summer. I keep telling people that I don't know why I quit, and that that is the hardest part of quitting, but that I have been able to focus so much on other aspects of my life that were being pushed to the side because I had too many other commitments - the temple being one of the big ones. I'm not complaining about that - I loved my time as a temple worker and would do it again in a heartbeat. It literally was the best blessing in my life of anything I've ever done, and I loved every minute of it. I'm not trying to say that the temple distracted me. I'm trying to say that I didn't have time for other things! And I was ok with it. But, now that I have that time, I've been able to sign up for that Data Analysis Certificate program, and travel to NYC, and take a random trip to Boise when I'm on the verge of a break down, and spend more time with friends, and plan more adventures.... I'm growing in other ways, and it's great! It was hard, at first, and I complained a lot, but I've grown to accept my life, and not only that, but to ENJOY it!
And I guess that's what this trade kind of made me realize. All Summer long I've really struggled because I've been trying to figure out what I've done wrong to have to leave the temple. I've struggled with my relationship with the Lord. I've actually written three blogs (unpublished) about this because I've just felt so confused, and stressed and heartbroken, and disappointed in myself for not being better, and not being able to balance my life, and.... I've just grown to realize that sometimes change happens NOT BECAUSE WE'RE BAD, but just because it's what the Lord thinks is needed in our life. And sometimes it sucks majorly - like losing half of my team... *or basically my entire team this year; thanks Danny Ainge*. Sometimes change is great, like getting married or moving across the country! Change isn't always bad. And even when it is bad, it doesn't have to be horrible, BECAUSE we have Christ! He is there, helping, guiding, forgiving, loving, and comforting. The hard times in life don't have to be horrible, because Christ has already atoned for our sins. He loves us and never abandons us; He carries us in our hardest times, and heals our broken hearts.
I don't mean to talk about basketball all the time; I'm sorry! It just... clicked this week, as I was sitting there, freaking out about my team, and of this coming year, and it made me realize just how much I needed that perspective in my life right then. I needed to have something outside of my own personal life to happen to remind me that life can be hard, but Christ is there for me. And that allowed me to move on....
That, and.... then I went and bought ice cream. Yes, that is how depressed I was. I ate mint chocolate chip ice cream, which, I know what you're thinking - "Cassandra, you're deathly allergic to mint chocolate chip ice cream, because of the ice cream and the chocolate!" I know.
But, sometimes we have to metaphorically don our Al Horford jerseys, eat that mint chocolate chip ice cream that we're deathly allergic to to try to feel better, take a deep breath, and move forward with the new life that we've been given; hopeful that it will bring just as much joy, even though it is different than we anticipated.
Look what you've reduced me to, Danny Ainge. Also, I need another jersey....
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