I Have a Really Hard Time Empathizing with People

“I've learned that other people can be equally as right about something when completely disagreeing with you.”

Ok, so one of my dearest friends said this a few months ago, and it has resonated with me in a very.... real way. I am known to say "I'm always right; I'm never wrong. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right." I've used this philosophy most of my life, and it has led to a lot of conflict, misunderstanding, and heartache. I've always hated that phrase "Let's agree to disagree." No; no, we will not agree to anything, unless you are agreeing that you are wrong, and that I am right. 

I always feel like me saying "yeah, let's agree to disagree" is me saying "a part of me is wrong, and I'm ok with that." Which, as we all know, is not something that has ever crossed my lips. I'm never ok being wrong, mostly because I never feel like I'm in the wrong. 

I semi-hate that part of me.I mean, not all of it; I love that I know what I know, and am not easily swayed. Peer pressure is not something that affects me in a negative way too often. I just hate the part of me that won't give up a fight. Sometimes, as I'm sitting there, arguing with a person, willing them to agree with my point of view, the inside of my head is screaming, "LET IT GO! This is not important enough, and maybe they could be right too. What's wrong with that?! Why can't you try to see it from their point of view and just move on?"

That's one thing I really don't like about myself, and over the past year, and really the past 6 months, I've tried to calm it down. I've worked really hard to not jump in and throw my opinion around so often. Just go with the flow. Be kind, help others.

I've always been known as outspoken; as one who disregards what others think of her; as opinionated; as a very red personality (which I am, so that makes sense). I've been thinking a lot about that person, as something happened in the office the other day that I wanted to share. 

We had our office summer party (Beach Day!, as I like to refer to it), and leading up to it, we were given various tasks throughout the week. One of them was a word search to find all our names in it. The office was busily trying to do their work, as well as complete this word search as quickly as possible to win the prize, and someone.... cheated.... they took it online and had the computer solve the puzzle for them. And everyone was sad. Me, being me (there's that phrase again....) stood for the sad, hardworking coworkers who had been trying to complete the task given them, and started an office investigation of the cheating... because that's what I do best. I called the perpetrator out, told him he was in the wrong,exchanged a few words, and everyone was like, whoa, Cassandra, this is a scary side of you..... 

....................

The thing is, I didn't mean to be scary. I wasn't even that in to it, really (I mean, it's a stupid word search, of which I wasn't even participating in, as I had a ton of other things to do); I just didn't think it was fair to cheat and turn a potentially fun team building activity into a team hurting activity, you know? And there I was, trying to defend my friends and fellow coworkers against this monstrosity called cheating, and instead everyone was thinking I was being ... mean? That's not the right word.... umm... harsh? Something like that..... which, I genuinely wasn't trying to be. My intention was to help, and instead, my no care attitude came across as potentially hurtful..... 

I feel like that happens a lot when I am trying to prove my side is right. I tend to go into what I refer to as my lawyer mode and place the facts on people, not caring how they will be taken, just knowing that I am right, and they need to know I'm right. I think it's why I struggle making close friends, because they see my attitude as hurtful, when I'm actually trying to help. I have a really hard time empathizing with people, making it hard to relate to what they're feeling when I'm stating my case. I really struggle getting to know a person emotionally, as I've been betrayed by my emotions one too many times and have worked hard to suppress them. It's a constant battle, and one I know I have really messed up, but it's something I'm working on. 

Can you all understand being imperfect and trying to work on that imperfection? Maybe your imperfections aren't so open and glaring everyone in the face, which is why you see mine and automatically assume I'm a jerk.... Maybe I'm not so good at making friends, so you see that as weird, and assume there's something wrong with me. Maybe I hide my emotions, so you think what you do doesn't hurt me, or cause me to lie awake late at night, wondering what more I can do to be a better person. 

I'm working on my imperfections; I'm working on accepting that I'm not always right. I'm working on trusting people again. I'm working on it.

"Oh it is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves us - even with all our flaws! His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves, He never will. We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we may settle for less, Heavenly Father won't, for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming." ~Joseph B. Wirthlin, 2007