I Live For Little Moments Like That

The view from my front window :)

What do I want to blog about? So many things. So many. My mind is going crazy. This last week was quite the week. I spent most of it on my knees praying. I feel like the last five years were just thrown at my face, and even though I was able to block some of it, most of it left major bruises. Does that make sense? It doesn't in my mind either. You know when you convince yourself that everything is different and you are totally fine and happy with life now, and then something happens and you realize you are just as much that 18 year old girl that you were 4 years ago... in fact, you secretly wish you were still that 18 year old girl so that you didn't have to try to act mature anymore and just cry or call your mom and have her be sympathetic towards your pathetic problems? Yeah. I feel that way a lot lately. I know. It's frustrating- not feeling that way, but feeling like I haven't changed at all. What happened? All those years in college, gaining knowledge, growing from so many experiences, getting my heart broken, working, cooking for myself, never visiting New Mexico or my family... aren't those things supposed to change you? For the better, I mean? It just seems like I haven't grown up at all. I feel like I was supposed to- everyone else did... But I somehow missed that? How does that work?


When I was 18 I wanted to be a lawyer. I had my whole life planned out. I even signed a "contract" that said I would not marry until I was 30 because I thought I had so many things in life I needed to get done before being tied down. Here's the contract- I took a picture of it when I signed it...I think I was 19? And yes, those are the lovely dorm walls you see! How I miss that place....

..... I know. I even had witnesses. That's how legit it was. I am not one who likes to deviate from my original plan. I like to have goals and stick to them. I have yet to meet someone that likes change. However, as many of you know, this contract was soon forgotten, not because I got married or engaged, haha, but because my view on life changed. I dropped the idea of being a lawyer. That was the easy one. The hard dream to drop was the mission. I tried holding on to that one for years! I even try now to think about it, but it just never feels right- I always get told no. It seems like Heavenly Father is always so willing to say no to all the dreams I have for my future:  Don't major in music. Don't go to BYU Provo. Don't be a lawyer. Don't go on a mission. Don't move to New Mexico when you graduate. Don't go to grad school.... Why is it that every plan I come up with is wrong? I know God has a better plan for me than what I see here in my limited vision... so why can't He better outline it for me? It would be so helpful. But then again, even when He tells me what to do I don't know why I'm doing it. But here's what I wanted to get across: I do it. If God tells me to do something, I jump up and do it. And even though life likes to be ridiculous and throw a bazillion curve balls at my face, all at the same time, I still move forward, trusting that Heavenly Father will look out for me and maybe not stop the curve balls, but give comfort to me after they strike my face. Because that is what I really need. I really need someone who knows the bigger picture and is always looking out for me to tell me that it is all going to be ok... time and time again.


"...Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." ~Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8