Yesterday I Had a Glimpse of My Future
I'm in New Mexico right now. I love coming home. I hate that half of my family doesn't live here anymore. I love getting to see the family that is here.
I was able to go to my old ward... well, they redid the ward boundaries, so although it was my beloved Bernalillo ward - the ward that named us girls the Berna Babes; the ward where I graduated from high school; the ward where I met some of my best friends, Anneliese, Kandace, Jessica, and Heather; the ward where I met some of the most amazing women in the world, who helped get me through my awkward teenage years.... so many memories. The old building was so familiar, and there were a bunch of people from my childhood still in the ward. I loved it.
I usually dread going to family wards, not because they're bad, but because as a single, 25 year old girl in the LDS world, I'm abnormal, weird, strange, unnatural... you name it. I'm a half formed person in the LDS world, and for the most part when I go to family wards, I feel that way. I feel weird, and strange, and..... so out of my element. I don't know what it is, but all of a sudden when I'm around married people with children I'm no longer a successful assistant registrar, but a 14 year old who knows absolutely nothing about life. That's how a normal family ward visit is. Nothing against family wards! I'm just the weird oddball who has gotten this far in life without finding someone who I want to spend eternity with.
Anyway, my home ward was different this time. I didn't feel awkward or strange, or like everyone was staring at me. I mean, yes, there were people staring, but they were mostly doing that because they were excited to see me again. It was Fast Sunday, which means people have the opportunity to get up and bear their testimonies of Christ during sacrament meeting. This can sometimes be..... a little interesting.... sometimes people say weird things when a microphone is placed in front of them, haha. You never know what you're going to get. Yesterday's testimony meeting was actually really great. Like, really great. Apparently a few families were moving out of the ward, and they went up and bore their testimonies and it.... what am I trying to say? It changed my perspective on life. All of a sudden, as I listened to them talk about this decision to move and the impact it would have on their lives and their family, and as I watched their families watch and listen to their parents testimonies, or bear testimonies of their own, I thought, Wow. Wow. I don't even know half of what the gospel has to offer.
Right there, in that moment, I realized that even with all the life experiences I've had, none of those are even close to as hard, or as trying, or as wonderful as when I have a family someday. Isn't that weird?
As I was sitting there, thinking about how hard this decision must be to move their families after having been in this area for all these years, I thought, wow. I had a hard time packing up and moving my few belongings this past February. I was freaking out, worried about what the new ward and roommates would be like, whether I would make friends, find boys to date, get along with my Bishop, etc. Those were all "me" focused concerns. I was worried about myself.
I could talk about my decision to go through the temple over a year ago and how hard it was knowing I was going through by myself, and not with my husband, and was worried about what people would think of me. I could tell you about how emotional I was buying my first car because I always thought my husband would be there with me while we bought our first car together. I could talk about how hard it has been working in the IT world as a girl. I could talk about my struggle to lose weight, or how I'm growing out my hair and how hard that is (it IS! I haven't gone this long without dying my hair in 5 years, and I've never gotten my bangs this long!), or talk about getting my heart broken months ago. I could talk about how I've been trying to redo my wardrobe and the hardships of finding clothes for myself that I like. I could talk about the bills I have to pay, or the food I have to make for myself... gosh, so many things I could talk about that concern me. Me, myself, and I.
I am one person, and at this point in my life I only have one person to concern over - ME! All of the decisions I make only affect me! It's crazy, and I look at how hard those decisions have been for me and during the testimony meeting yesterday I just had this thought of, wow, Cassandra, those will be easy compared to the decisions you will have to make when you have a family someday. When all of a sudden the move is more scary because you're no longer concerned about if you will make new friends and fit in with the new people in your ward, but if your children will make friends, feel welcome, and fit in. When the temple is no longer just for you, but for your children, and those covenants you made and are living are not only for you, but for you family. When you have to figure out which car will be best for your family. When you have to pay for your children's clothes, and not just your own, or making sure you have money to buy food for your children - currently if I don't have money for food I just live on the random food I have in my cupboard, which sometimes consists of white rice and lettuce... yum.
Yesterday, as I was sitting in testimony meeting, listening to these families talk about their lives, and the decisions they are making, I felt in my heart that I am missing a huge portion of the gospel. I am missing the family that will allow me to grow and become a better person, and truly become like God eventually. I'm not trying to say we can't grow and progress and become a better person as a single person; no, that is definitely not what I'm trying to say! I'm just saying, yesterday I had a glimpse of my future life, and it really made me think about my life, and the decisions I'm making for myself. It really made me want to be in a family ward again, with a family of my own, relying on the Lord to lead us where He needs us, do what He needs us to do, and teach my children the beauties of the gospel that have blessed my life. I get glimpses like that every so often, like the one I shared on Facebook a few weeks ago with Sue Anderson and her son going through the temple, and in those moments, my fear of commitment and trusting people fades away and I remember that God is guiding my life, and wants me to be happy. If only those feelings of inadequacy and doubt would fade more quickly, and those glimpses would last longer, maybe I wouldn't close up so much around people. Maybe I would be more willing to say yes to that first date. Maybe I wouldn't feel so insecure all the time.
*sigh*
However, at this point in my life I am still just making decisions for me, myself, and I, and will just have to patiently wait for the next part of life to start. Find joy in the journey now, and continue to move forward, because as I said, as a single person I can still make decisions, and I can still grow and progress, so you'd better believe I'm going to do that.
I was able to go to my old ward... well, they redid the ward boundaries, so although it was my beloved Bernalillo ward - the ward that named us girls the Berna Babes; the ward where I graduated from high school; the ward where I met some of my best friends, Anneliese, Kandace, Jessica, and Heather; the ward where I met some of the most amazing women in the world, who helped get me through my awkward teenage years.... so many memories. The old building was so familiar, and there were a bunch of people from my childhood still in the ward. I loved it.
I usually dread going to family wards, not because they're bad, but because as a single, 25 year old girl in the LDS world, I'm abnormal, weird, strange, unnatural... you name it. I'm a half formed person in the LDS world, and for the most part when I go to family wards, I feel that way. I feel weird, and strange, and..... so out of my element. I don't know what it is, but all of a sudden when I'm around married people with children I'm no longer a successful assistant registrar, but a 14 year old who knows absolutely nothing about life. That's how a normal family ward visit is. Nothing against family wards! I'm just the weird oddball who has gotten this far in life without finding someone who I want to spend eternity with.
Anyway, my home ward was different this time. I didn't feel awkward or strange, or like everyone was staring at me. I mean, yes, there were people staring, but they were mostly doing that because they were excited to see me again. It was Fast Sunday, which means people have the opportunity to get up and bear their testimonies of Christ during sacrament meeting. This can sometimes be..... a little interesting.... sometimes people say weird things when a microphone is placed in front of them, haha. You never know what you're going to get. Yesterday's testimony meeting was actually really great. Like, really great. Apparently a few families were moving out of the ward, and they went up and bore their testimonies and it.... what am I trying to say? It changed my perspective on life. All of a sudden, as I listened to them talk about this decision to move and the impact it would have on their lives and their family, and as I watched their families watch and listen to their parents testimonies, or bear testimonies of their own, I thought, Wow. Wow. I don't even know half of what the gospel has to offer.
Right there, in that moment, I realized that even with all the life experiences I've had, none of those are even close to as hard, or as trying, or as wonderful as when I have a family someday. Isn't that weird?
As I was sitting there, thinking about how hard this decision must be to move their families after having been in this area for all these years, I thought, wow. I had a hard time packing up and moving my few belongings this past February. I was freaking out, worried about what the new ward and roommates would be like, whether I would make friends, find boys to date, get along with my Bishop, etc. Those were all "me" focused concerns. I was worried about myself.
I could talk about my decision to go through the temple over a year ago and how hard it was knowing I was going through by myself, and not with my husband, and was worried about what people would think of me. I could tell you about how emotional I was buying my first car because I always thought my husband would be there with me while we bought our first car together. I could talk about how hard it has been working in the IT world as a girl. I could talk about my struggle to lose weight, or how I'm growing out my hair and how hard that is (it IS! I haven't gone this long without dying my hair in 5 years, and I've never gotten my bangs this long!), or talk about getting my heart broken months ago. I could talk about how I've been trying to redo my wardrobe and the hardships of finding clothes for myself that I like. I could talk about the bills I have to pay, or the food I have to make for myself... gosh, so many things I could talk about that concern me. Me, myself, and I.
I am one person, and at this point in my life I only have one person to concern over - ME! All of the decisions I make only affect me! It's crazy, and I look at how hard those decisions have been for me and during the testimony meeting yesterday I just had this thought of, wow, Cassandra, those will be easy compared to the decisions you will have to make when you have a family someday. When all of a sudden the move is more scary because you're no longer concerned about if you will make new friends and fit in with the new people in your ward, but if your children will make friends, feel welcome, and fit in. When the temple is no longer just for you, but for your children, and those covenants you made and are living are not only for you, but for you family. When you have to figure out which car will be best for your family. When you have to pay for your children's clothes, and not just your own, or making sure you have money to buy food for your children - currently if I don't have money for food I just live on the random food I have in my cupboard, which sometimes consists of white rice and lettuce... yum.
Yesterday, as I was sitting in testimony meeting, listening to these families talk about their lives, and the decisions they are making, I felt in my heart that I am missing a huge portion of the gospel. I am missing the family that will allow me to grow and become a better person, and truly become like God eventually. I'm not trying to say we can't grow and progress and become a better person as a single person; no, that is definitely not what I'm trying to say! I'm just saying, yesterday I had a glimpse of my future life, and it really made me think about my life, and the decisions I'm making for myself. It really made me want to be in a family ward again, with a family of my own, relying on the Lord to lead us where He needs us, do what He needs us to do, and teach my children the beauties of the gospel that have blessed my life. I get glimpses like that every so often, like the one I shared on Facebook a few weeks ago with Sue Anderson and her son going through the temple, and in those moments, my fear of commitment and trusting people fades away and I remember that God is guiding my life, and wants me to be happy. If only those feelings of inadequacy and doubt would fade more quickly, and those glimpses would last longer, maybe I wouldn't close up so much around people. Maybe I would be more willing to say yes to that first date. Maybe I wouldn't feel so insecure all the time.
*sigh*
However, at this point in my life I am still just making decisions for me, myself, and I, and will just have to patiently wait for the next part of life to start. Find joy in the journey now, and continue to move forward, because as I said, as a single person I can still make decisions, and I can still grow and progress, so you'd better believe I'm going to do that.
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