I've Been Reflecting on My Life

It was my one year anniversary of being the Assistant (to the) Registrar a few weeks ago, and my four year anniversary of graduating from college last week. As mentioned in multiple posts prior to this, I am an anniversary type of girl. I remember all the important dates (or dates I think are important) and judge my life off of where I've come since those dates.

Because of this, I've been reflecting a lot on my life; kind of giving myself a personal evaluation. Where have I come in the past four years, and am I currently where I thought I would be a year ago? Boy, let me tell you, those are rough questions for my brain. I am a text book over thinker, and these questions really make me think. In fact, I've been thinking a lot this Summer, as I've been looking at my life, and I've really thought myself into a thousand different possibilities. I've been trying to figure out the "what's next?" part of my life. I always knew I didn't want to stay in Utah, and those thoughts are really coming on strong, as I'm about to hit my four year mark of living here. Four years in Utah? Gosh, I did not see that happening. I thought I'd be out of here by now, and here I am, still working at the U, enjoying the beautiful Utah scenery, and spending my vacations deciding if I should go visit my family in Idaho or my family in New Mexico. It's a weird place to be. I still wake up and wonder how I got here all the time. How did I manage to become an IT person with a History degree, working at the U when I bleed blue, living in Utah which I said I'd never do, still single and childless at 25, and living far from all my family? How did this happen? 

The other day, I was talking to one of my roommates and she was listening to the Mormon Message "The Will of God" and I mentioned how that was my favorite Mormon Message. It had impacted me deeply when I first heard it, and has since been a very big source of comfort to me. I encourage you all to watch it. It will change your life. 

Anyway, so I went to go pull up the blog that I had written about this Mormon Message, and it took me longer to find then I thought it would, because I wrote it two year ago, and in my memory it was much sooner than that. I guess two years goes by fast when you're not paying attention.

"How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth, and now you've cut me down!

Every plant in the garden will look down on me. How could you do this to me?

I thought you were the Gardener here!" 

Oh, how often I have cried something similar to the Lord..... I just did this weekend. I've been trying to figure out what the next part of my life is, and am struggling. I seem to be seeing a lot of doors opening lately... and more just keep opening.... and I'm stressing myself into a corner, trying to figure out which door I want to go through. I keep thinking, gosh, this could determine the rest of my life, shouldn't I be getting more guidance? And then I get frustrated, and confused, and overwhelmed.... and that leads me to cry the above words to the Lord. 

I keep thinking that I have it figured out, and then I look at my friends lives..... gosh, you guys all have the lives I want. Married, with children, buying houses, blogging about your kids or your husband, awkwardly trying to set me up with any single guy you can find.... it's the life I want. And yet, here I am, once again, trying to figure out my future alone. 

I think of this, and I turn to the Lord and think, wow, you screwed up my life (I know, I'm an awful person. Feel free to judge). I was supposed to be doing things, and instead I'm working (a really great job, but nothing in comparison to being a mom), and having to pay my bills myself, and worry about what to make for dinner for myself, and finding someone to go on all my road trips with me, and trying to awkwardly become friends with new people, and failing drastically. 

I've been doing all that I'm supposed to - I go to the temple weekly, I read my scriptures daily, I pray morning and night, and all in between. I go to church, I magnify my calling, I pay my tithing, I attend institute, I serve others.... all these things, and yet I'm still alone. I'm still unsure of what I want to do with my life. "How could you do this to me, God? I've done everything I could to measure up! How could you do this to me?" 

I love this part:

"Look little current bush, I am the Gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. 

I don't intend you to be a fruit tree, or a shade tree; I want you to be a current bush.

And someday, little current bush, when you're laden with fruit, you'll say, thank you Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down."

The other day I went to the temple and saw my old Bishop's son and his wife, and it made me think about what a blessing the Keddington's were in my life over the past few years. It made me think about all the people I have gotten to meet and associate with and grow with and laugh with and cry with and break up with and, and, and. So many experiences, so many opportunities to grow closer to the Lord, appreciate the simple things in life, and just become the person I am. That's the part I struggle thinking has any worth. 

It's hard to not get down and think that my life hasn't changed in the last two years, just because I'm not married. I've changed so much in so many other ways, and as hard as it is to try to understand why I'm not where I wanted to be at this age, I'm grateful for where I've come. I really have changed over the past few years, and yes, I get down on myself for not being where everyone thinks I should be, but I love getting to figure out my life as it is! It is hard, and stressful, and I'm not sure where I'm going, but as a girl in my ward so lovingly said this past Sunday, "If you're keeping the commandments, and doing what you're supposed to be doing, you're where you're supposed to be." And I aim to keep the commandments and follow God, so where ever I end up, know it's where I'm supposed to be.