Do Not Waste It

This year started with me going to Boise to spend a weekend in the hospital with my baby brother, Hyrum, who had a bad case of pneumonia. We got to sleep and eat in the hospital for several days, while binge watching Psych. My mom was burnt out from spending several days with him there, and having to watch my dad, so I told her to go home and rest and I’d watch him for the weekend. Readers. It was the best weekend of the year. And, yes, I say that knowing that I went and saw Hamilton in Chicago; knowing I got to watch the Celtics play in Utah twice; knowing I went to Summer League in Vegas; knowing I ran a couple races; knowing I was on the testing and validation team for the PS 9.2 upgrade at work; knowing I went to my nephew’s baptism and my sister’s wedding; and so much more; I did a LOT this year. But, out of all of it, the event that made the biggest impact this year was getting to spend the weekend in the hospital with my baby brother.

Let me share another event that has changed my life this year. It happened while I was in Chicago in February. No, it didn’t happen while I was watching Hamilton; though, I LOVED Hamilton. Highly recommend it. No; it was while we were taking the train back to our place one of the nights we were there. There were a few people on the train who…. I wondered about their stories. I felt so sad to know they were where they were, while I have a nice, somewhat cushy life. As I was thinking about these individuals on the train, my heart aching for them, I heard in my mind “Cassandra, you have been really blessed with your life. Do not waste it. Help those less fortunate than you.”  

It wasn’t a reprimand; it was a reminder. It was adding responsibility to what I was given. It was a vote of confidence in how I would choose to live my life. 

Last month when I turned 29 I REALLY struggled, Readers. I mean, REALLY. I felt like a complete failure for once again aging a year and remaining single. 29 is not a pretty sounding age for the singles; it’s a terrifying age, if I’m being completely honest. As I was crying to one of my dear friends about this, voicing many of my fears, she asked me this question – “Cassandra. Do you really think God doesn’t trust you?” I immediately responded with a yes, and pointed out several horrible decisions I’d made in my life to prove why He didn’t trust me. 

Readers, do you ever feel like that? Feel that God doesn’t trust you, which is why things aren’t working out? Feel like you’ve disappointed Him one too many times, and He’s put you on the back burner because He’s run out of patience with you? Feel like He’s shaking His head at you for making the mistake(s) you did? I feel that a lot. I’m sorry to say that all too often I forget what a LOVING Father in Heaven I (we) have, and start putting mortal characteristics on Him – impatience, annoyance, disappointment in my imperfections; that is NOT the Heavenly Father I have grown closer and closer to as I’ve gotten older; as I’ve attended the temple; as I’ve studied my scriptures; as I’ve built a relationship with Him through prayer. No. That is a false perspective of Him; one that Satan would have us believe.  God is all loving, all forgiving, all understanding, and wanting the best for all of us. I truly believe that.

President Nelson challenged the women in the last General Conference to do many things, one of which was this: “My dear sisters, you have special spiritual gifts and propensities. Tonight I urge you, with all the hope of my heart, to pray to understand your spiritual gifts—to cultivate, use, and expand them, even more than you ever have. You will change the world as you do so.” One of my gifts that I have unknowingly worked hard at cultivating is having compassion for those around me. I laugh as I write this, because when I first got called into the Relief Society presidency, compassion was the thing I didn’t think I would be good at. Leading up to receiving the RS presidency call I struggled with the Lord all morning in prayer. One of the arguments I kept bringing up was my lack of compassion for people, which He quickly responded to with example after example of times I was compassionate to others. I finally couldn’t argue anymore, as I realized I actually AM a compassionate person. As the weeks went on, I struggled with that knowledge, even voicing it to friends and roommates as a concern as to why I wouldn’t be good at this call, and so many people helped remind me of times I had shown compassion to them. I had missed that part of my progression; I had been so focused on what I had NOT BEEN in the past that I thought I was still that girl. Remember that weekend I mentioned I spent in the hospital with my baby brother? Why do you think it was so impactful to me? Because I was so worried about my MOM. I was so concerned about her, and her struggles that I gave up my weekend party trip I’d been planning on and drove up to Boise in the middle of January to spend the weekend in a hospital – ME, the hypochondriac- to take care of my baby brother so that I could ease the stress on my mom. That’s compassion, Reader. 

The other day while I was in the temple, I was once again seeking direction with my life. A friend of mine whom I don’t see too often happened to be in the same session as me, and as we were sitting there at the end, she turned to me and we had a discussion about some of her concerns about the temple. I responded with how much I knew God loved us, and how I didn’t believe He would do anything to make me less than what I had the potential to be. As we had this conversation, I felt so much peace come over me. I was reminded of that moment on the train in Chicago, being told to help those around me. I felt strongly that this – bearing my testimony of Christ, and loving and serving those around me – was where the Lord needed me. 

Readers, I’m not sharing this to say “Hey everyone, look at me! I’m super blessed and super righteous, and you should all try to be like me!” No. I am so imperfect, I hope no one ever tries to follow in my footsteps. I’ve made a lot of mistakes; make your own! I’m sharing this because, honestly, this last year was one of the worst of my life. It was hard. It was painful. It was unbelievably lonely. I may not have the sleepless nights staying up with children, but I do have the sleepless nights wanting children. I may not have financial challenges, but I struggle with finding happiness in my work. I may seem to be sociable and outgoing, but I am actually unbelievably shy, and struggle with social anxiety. I may not suffer from depression, but I do know the effects of anxiety. I may not be perfect, and I may have beaten myself up more than usual this year because of those many imperfections, but I - WE ALL - have spiritual gifts that our loving Father in Heaven has given us. He’s not waiting for us to be perfect now to use them (See Elder Holland’s talk, Be Ye Therefore Perfect - Eventually). We all have something the Lord needs us to do here; we are not forgotten, no matter how much it feels like we are. Maybe sometimes we’re expecting the big monumental changes we see so many of our friends experiencing, and fail to notice that the Lord is using us in other ways. That’s what 2018 was to me. It was me looking for something else while the Lord used me to serve so many around me. 

As you are reflecting on Christ during this Christmas season, don’t forget that His Atonement is for YOU. He provided a way back to God, knowing we would fail without Him; knowing we would struggle with mortality and the challenges it brings. I echo what President Nelson said – pray to understand the spiritual gifts God has given you, and USE them. Love others. Forgive easily – grudges hurt too much to hold them. Comfort those who stand in need of comforting. Be the example you want for your family/friends/kids. Look to Christ, for that is where true joy comes from. Stop beating yourself up so much; you are enough now. Don’t forget that you are a child of God! He loves you, and is helping you progress forward, even if you don’t see it. Have patience. Serve without being asked. Just do the simple things. Stop trying to be perfect now. And, from my family to yours, Merry Christmas!