We're All Struggling, But We're All Also Trying
I served as the activities co-chair for the past almost two years in my ward at church, and at the end of this past summer I got called into the Relief Society presidency. To say I feel inadequate is a great understatement. I am beyond completely aware of how imperfect I am and how much better basically any of the other sisters in my ward would be at this calling. I'm completely out of my comfort zone. I've served in activities for the majority of my YSA life, and I'm not really sure how I got HERE. I keep having these moments where I feel right about this calling, and then it gets overturned by these feelings of complete horror that the sisters in this ward are stuck with me in their presidency. Me - that loud, obnoxious, super independent, opinionated, stubborn, competitive girl who can't seem to figure out why she works in the IT world when she was clearly made for a life on stage. Yep. That girl. It's a constant roller coaster of emotions, Readers. I have these moments where I feel exposed and weak, and wonder when everyone will discover what a let down I am. #impostersyndrome
And then .... I have these other, more calming moments - the moments where I forget about myself and my imperfections, and I see all of you trying your hardest and SUCCEEDING. I see so much GOODNESS from all of you, and all of a sudden I see my call as not what I can do for you, but what YOU are doing for ME. I really struggle with my self-worth, Readers. I know, a lot of us do, but it's one of the biggest stumbling blocks in my life. I remember when I was in high school we had our parents talk about which young women value we best represented, and my mom said Individual Worth was mine. She said I knew who I was, and my purpose. That's true. I have a very solid testimony that I am a daughter of God. But, the rest of who I am? I'm very insecure in that. This calling has been humbling in that I am greatly aware of my imperfections, but also that I get to see your triumphs and wins! I have these moments where I am reminded that we're all struggling, but we're all also trying.
Watching the women's conference session of General Conference together at our Bishop's house.
Can I bring up another basketball life lesson, Readers? Is that ok? People keep asking what’s new in my life, and I’m like:
As we all remember from the many blogs I’ve posted this past year, last year’s NBA opener started with kind of a mess, what with Hayward breaking his foot in the first 5 minutes of the first game of the season.
This year’s opener was completely different. We had Hayward, Kyrie, Theis, Smart, ... everyone was back, which meant we were coming in as a full, healthy team, ready to show why we’re the best in the East. It was a shaky start; everyone is still adjusting to having the full team available; we haven’t had that luxury for a year, you know? Anyway, we destroyed the 6ers, and it felt great.
I've been thinking a lot about last year's NBA season. It's funny what can change in a year. A broken bone. A recovery from surgery. A healed thumb. Confidence. Growth. Bonding. Friendship.
When we first signed Hayward last year, I was very disappointed. I did not want him on the team; contrary to what the entire Jazz fandom thought at the time, I didn't think he was that good. Well, I guess I just didn't think he was good enough for MY team. Over the past year I got to read and watch his road to recovery, and think about the hard road he went through to get back to playing opening night this season.
SITTING OUT an entire season.
Watching your team NEED you, and not being able to do anything about it.
Wanting to get back out there, but having to be PATIENT.
SHARING the hard days.
THANKING everyone for their support.
I can't help but relate to Hayward right now. I feel like I've broken my foot and I'm here, trying to get back up. I've been struggling with my self-worth a lot this year. I wrote about it a few months ago, if you remember. This new call has reminded me daily that I'm not the only one struggling. We all are. We all have these hard days where we wish we could be more than we are.
Where we wish we would move forward instead of SITTING STILL.
Where we wish we could help those in NEED instead of being the one needing the help.
Where we want to fix our problems, but have to be PATIENT.
Where we internalize the hard days and then finally SHARE with our friends because it gets too unbearable.
Where we write a blog THANKING you all for being our tender mercies because you're who get us through these really crappy days.
This new calling has reminded me that even in the hard times, we have the rest of our team there, supporting us. Whether it's our Relief Society sisters, our ward members, our roommates, our family, our coworkers, our friends, or Christ; someone is there, moving us forward, even when we'd rather hide under our desks because the workload seems too much.
Sometimes our struggles come to an end after a year. Sometimes they last decades, and sometimes that relief doesn't come until the next life. But, Readers, it COMES. I promise. No, I don't promise; CHRIST promises. The most perfect person to walk this earth has promised the relief and happiness that comes from following Him. That's what gets me through these struggles and hard days. The promise that Christ won't abandon us, even when we feel insignificant and alone. We're not.
So, if you're anything like me, and you're feeling completely inadequate in some part of your life, just remember: You're not alone. We're all here with you. And we're going to be ok.
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