God Knows My Struggles and My Bad Days Better Than I Do
A little over a year ago, something happened to shake my life. Someone who I trusted and who had been like a sister and a best friend to me for 6 years decided she didn't want me in her life anymore, and quite unexpectedly and hurtfully pushed me out of her life. This was someone I had trusted with my hopes, dreams, fears, and goals, and she quickly threw those to the wolves, and watched as I was devoured. To say I was broken is an understatement. I was hurt, confused, and left alone with only my insecurities and weaknesses biting at the already deep wounds of my shattered life. I frantically grasped at the sharp pieces of it that I had left, and tried to reassemble my life, while at the same time opening wounds with those shards that I didn't even know I could have. The biggest one was probably my trust in people, as well as myself, which I'm still struggling to fix today. If, after 6 years, I could lose such a close friend, what did that say about me as a person, and what did that say about others who I had thought I could put my trust in?
I tried to wake up from the bad dream that my life had become, only to realize it was going to get worse. My dad, who has had multiple sclerosis since I was 12, was hit hard with it last year. He started out the year walking, and quickly moved to using a cane, then two canes, then a walker, and finally within a few months, was in a wheelchair. Have you ever called your dad and had to listen on the other end as he struggled to pull himself up again because he had fallen over and was too weak to pull himself up? It is one of the worst feelings in the world, and not one I would wish on my worst enemy. I also had to watch him struggle to find what he could do, now that practicing law full time was no longer an option.
At the same time, I was struggling in my new position at work. I had gotten promoted that summer to a very high position in my office, which was exciting and stressful all at once. My former boss was angry with me for taking the promotion, and I was struggling to prove myself as the youngest assistant registrar in the office while not letting the angry words of my former boss pull me down. It was hard. I thought I knew PeopleSoft, but I shortly learned that it is a massive piece of software that would take years and years of experience to get to know, and even more to master. For me this was a struggle, because I am a perfectionist, and need to know everything right away. I struggled trying to be the best, and finally had to admit that it would take my time and patience to master the software position I had just taken on.
As I struggled to make sense of the hardships and emotional battles I was now faced with in a small amount of time, I tried to keep an eternal perspective. I knew I was learning a lot during this time, and I look back at those lessons with gratitude. I've written a lot about them over the past year, and have been grateful for the opportunities I've had to grow in situations I would never have chosen to put myself into. My life seemed to be spiraling down, but I was pulling myself up. Doesn't that seem ridiculous to the max? That's what I thought. I won't even tell you about my heart being crushed by a boy, because that is just the icing on the cake to this mess. I was drowning. I was confused - I was doing everything I was supposed to, and life was going down!
Instead of letting discouragement win, I kept Christ at the center of my life. I didn't give up. I didn't say, "This is too hard! This is unfair! This isn't how my life was supposed to work out, so I refuse to follow your commandments anymore!"
Ok, I mean, I did complain. I struggled with why my faith wasn't strong enough to make everything better. But, I never stopped going to the temple. I never stopped praying. I never stopped attending church, even though I was struggling with the members. I never stopped reading my scriptures. I never stopped listening to the Spirit, even when he just seemed to be telling me to be patient.
Here are a few thoughts from this past conference weekend that I wanted to share that I have held onto as trials come into my life:
Elder Clark: “Well, I have heard the same voice three times tonight, saying, ‘Why are you worried? Don’t you know that I know he has asthma? I will take care of him, and I will take care of you. Get yourself ready to serve in the Philippines.’”
President Uchtdorf: Of course, researching things for ourselves is not a bad idea. But I was disregarding truth I could rely on and instead found myself being drawn to the often-outlandish claims of Internet lore.
Elder Hales: Fortunately, young adult members of the Church lag behind in these troubling trends, in part because they are blessed with the gospel plan. That eternal plan includes holding fast to the iron rod—cleaving to God’s word and the word of His prophets. We need to tighten our grip on the rod that leads us back to Him. Now is the “day of choosing” for all of us.
President Monson: To be an example of faith means that we trust in the Lord and in His word. It means that we possess and that we nourish the beliefs that will guide our thoughts and our actions. Our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and in our Heavenly Father will influence all that we do. Amidst the confusion of our age, the conflicts of conscience, and the turmoil of daily living, an abiding faith becomes an anchor to our lives. Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other.
President Nelson: Attacks against the Church, its doctrine, and our way of life are going to increase. Because of this, we need women who have a bedrock understanding of the doctrine of Christ and who will use that understanding to teach and help raise a sin-resistant generation.
President Eyring: Confirmation of truth comes to a son or daughter of God who has claimed the right to receive the Holy Ghost. Since falsehoods and lies may be presented to us at any time, we need a constant influence of the Spirit of Truth to spare us moments of doubt.
Sis. Marriott: President Gordon B. Hinckley said: “If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God. … The Lord will not forsake us.”
Our family motto doesn’t say, “It will all work out now.” It speaks of our hope in the eternal outcome—not necessarily of present results. Scripture says, “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.” This doesn’t mean all things are good, but for the meek and faithful, things—both positive and negative—work together for good, and the timing is the Lord’s.
The Lord knows us all individually. He knows our struggles, our temptations, our pitfalls, our accomplishments, our strengths, our understanding, our testimonies. As I've struggled this year trying to rebuild myself, I've heard myself cry to the Lord a lot of "Don't you know I'm growing too independent to get married? Don't you know daddy has multiple sclerosis and can't do that? Don't you know my parents are in Idaho, away from all our family? Don't you know I miss having a best friend? Don't you know I've never been trained in IT? Don't you know I'm trying my hardest?" Elder Clark's talk reminded me that God does know. He knows me. God knows my struggles and my bad days better than I do.
But God also knows that life is going to get tougher. He knows I need to be strong. He knows I need to have a firm foundation and an unwavering testimony. He knows what I need to stay firmly rooted in the faith, and has spent my whole life, and a major portion of this past year, helping me learn what I need to get back to Him safely. He's provided Prophets and Apostles to guide and give council to the people of the world to find safety in this chaotic world. Let the Spirit guide your life. Have faith. Don't give up when life gets hard. It will all work out does not just refer to this life, but the next as well. The world is getting worse and worse in terms of morals - don't let the world dictate where your faith comes from. Stay rooted in Christ. Make Christ the center of your lives. Rise up, and live up to your divine potential!
As struggles and hardships come upon you, don't blame God. Don't turn against Him and try to figure things out with the misleading words of the internet. Don't live with the misunderstanding that life is supposed to be perfect now. Hold onto the simple truths of the gospel - Christ is real. His atonement is real. Families are forever. The Book of Mormon is the word of God. We can all return to live with God again. Hold onto those truths, and let them anchor you in your life. If you find yourself in a hard situation, pray to the Lord to ask what He wants you to be learning, and work your hardest to learn it!
I know Christ lives. Through the chaos of my messy life, I have found Him to be the guiding light and anchor that not only gets me through a trial, but builds me up along the way. Don't give up when life gets hard. It will all work out.
I tried to wake up from the bad dream that my life had become, only to realize it was going to get worse. My dad, who has had multiple sclerosis since I was 12, was hit hard with it last year. He started out the year walking, and quickly moved to using a cane, then two canes, then a walker, and finally within a few months, was in a wheelchair. Have you ever called your dad and had to listen on the other end as he struggled to pull himself up again because he had fallen over and was too weak to pull himself up? It is one of the worst feelings in the world, and not one I would wish on my worst enemy. I also had to watch him struggle to find what he could do, now that practicing law full time was no longer an option.
At the same time, I was struggling in my new position at work. I had gotten promoted that summer to a very high position in my office, which was exciting and stressful all at once. My former boss was angry with me for taking the promotion, and I was struggling to prove myself as the youngest assistant registrar in the office while not letting the angry words of my former boss pull me down. It was hard. I thought I knew PeopleSoft, but I shortly learned that it is a massive piece of software that would take years and years of experience to get to know, and even more to master. For me this was a struggle, because I am a perfectionist, and need to know everything right away. I struggled trying to be the best, and finally had to admit that it would take my time and patience to master the software position I had just taken on.
As I struggled to make sense of the hardships and emotional battles I was now faced with in a small amount of time, I tried to keep an eternal perspective. I knew I was learning a lot during this time, and I look back at those lessons with gratitude. I've written a lot about them over the past year, and have been grateful for the opportunities I've had to grow in situations I would never have chosen to put myself into. My life seemed to be spiraling down, but I was pulling myself up. Doesn't that seem ridiculous to the max? That's what I thought. I won't even tell you about my heart being crushed by a boy, because that is just the icing on the cake to this mess. I was drowning. I was confused - I was doing everything I was supposed to, and life was going down!
Instead of letting discouragement win, I kept Christ at the center of my life. I didn't give up. I didn't say, "This is too hard! This is unfair! This isn't how my life was supposed to work out, so I refuse to follow your commandments anymore!"
Ok, I mean, I did complain. I struggled with why my faith wasn't strong enough to make everything better. But, I never stopped going to the temple. I never stopped praying. I never stopped attending church, even though I was struggling with the members. I never stopped reading my scriptures. I never stopped listening to the Spirit, even when he just seemed to be telling me to be patient.
Here are a few thoughts from this past conference weekend that I wanted to share that I have held onto as trials come into my life:
Elder Clark: “Well, I have heard the same voice three times tonight, saying, ‘Why are you worried? Don’t you know that I know he has asthma? I will take care of him, and I will take care of you. Get yourself ready to serve in the Philippines.’”
President Uchtdorf: Of course, researching things for ourselves is not a bad idea. But I was disregarding truth I could rely on and instead found myself being drawn to the often-outlandish claims of Internet lore.
Elder Hales: Fortunately, young adult members of the Church lag behind in these troubling trends, in part because they are blessed with the gospel plan. That eternal plan includes holding fast to the iron rod—cleaving to God’s word and the word of His prophets. We need to tighten our grip on the rod that leads us back to Him. Now is the “day of choosing” for all of us.
President Monson: To be an example of faith means that we trust in the Lord and in His word. It means that we possess and that we nourish the beliefs that will guide our thoughts and our actions. Our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and in our Heavenly Father will influence all that we do. Amidst the confusion of our age, the conflicts of conscience, and the turmoil of daily living, an abiding faith becomes an anchor to our lives. Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other.
President Nelson: Attacks against the Church, its doctrine, and our way of life are going to increase. Because of this, we need women who have a bedrock understanding of the doctrine of Christ and who will use that understanding to teach and help raise a sin-resistant generation.
President Eyring: Confirmation of truth comes to a son or daughter of God who has claimed the right to receive the Holy Ghost. Since falsehoods and lies may be presented to us at any time, we need a constant influence of the Spirit of Truth to spare us moments of doubt.
Sis. Marriott: President Gordon B. Hinckley said: “If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God. … The Lord will not forsake us.”
Our family motto doesn’t say, “It will all work out now.” It speaks of our hope in the eternal outcome—not necessarily of present results. Scripture says, “Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.” This doesn’t mean all things are good, but for the meek and faithful, things—both positive and negative—work together for good, and the timing is the Lord’s.
The Lord knows us all individually. He knows our struggles, our temptations, our pitfalls, our accomplishments, our strengths, our understanding, our testimonies. As I've struggled this year trying to rebuild myself, I've heard myself cry to the Lord a lot of "Don't you know I'm growing too independent to get married? Don't you know daddy has multiple sclerosis and can't do that? Don't you know my parents are in Idaho, away from all our family? Don't you know I miss having a best friend? Don't you know I've never been trained in IT? Don't you know I'm trying my hardest?" Elder Clark's talk reminded me that God does know. He knows me. God knows my struggles and my bad days better than I do.
But God also knows that life is going to get tougher. He knows I need to be strong. He knows I need to have a firm foundation and an unwavering testimony. He knows what I need to stay firmly rooted in the faith, and has spent my whole life, and a major portion of this past year, helping me learn what I need to get back to Him safely. He's provided Prophets and Apostles to guide and give council to the people of the world to find safety in this chaotic world. Let the Spirit guide your life. Have faith. Don't give up when life gets hard. It will all work out does not just refer to this life, but the next as well. The world is getting worse and worse in terms of morals - don't let the world dictate where your faith comes from. Stay rooted in Christ. Make Christ the center of your lives. Rise up, and live up to your divine potential!
As struggles and hardships come upon you, don't blame God. Don't turn against Him and try to figure things out with the misleading words of the internet. Don't live with the misunderstanding that life is supposed to be perfect now. Hold onto the simple truths of the gospel - Christ is real. His atonement is real. Families are forever. The Book of Mormon is the word of God. We can all return to live with God again. Hold onto those truths, and let them anchor you in your life. If you find yourself in a hard situation, pray to the Lord to ask what He wants you to be learning, and work your hardest to learn it!
I know Christ lives. Through the chaos of my messy life, I have found Him to be the guiding light and anchor that not only gets me through a trial, but builds me up along the way. Don't give up when life gets hard. It will all work out.
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