Thanks For That, Subconscious
I'm currently taking a stress relief class. Most of you don't know this, but I had a mid-life crisis about two months ago, and have been trying ever since to control my anxiety. Yes, I have high anxiety. It's something I've known about myself for a few years, and last year I decided to take charge of it, instead of letting it take charge of me anymore. After my anxiety attack in February, I decided I needed to do something to help me from having a nervous breakdown, and signed up for a stress relief class.
Each week in class we are taught new techniques to help us get through our stress - these consist of breathing exercises, imagination, hands on, and so forth. This past week, the exercise was to imagine us driving a bus. Along the way we picked up passengers. We had to determine where we were going, and what passengers were getting on board, along with the stops, the route, etc. Let me explain my bus story to you.
As we closed our eyes and pictured the bus, I automatically pictured me on a school bus, with my hair pulled up in a ponytail, wearing a white shirt, sweat pants, and no shoes. It was a sunny day, and I was in the countryside, somewhere. I love the country. Open roads, going for long drives, high sun - that's the life. So, I start driving down this bus, and automatically a line of children formed outside the door, and clamored on the bus. I was shocked at first, and tried to tell my mind to get the children off the bus! I wanted to go on a nice, slow, quiet drive through the country, and dozens of small children were flooding onto the bus, each talking loudly, and waving their arms around. I was frustrated with subconscious Cassandra for not being able to get all the children off the bus, but decided I would just have to go on with them on board, since they were not wanting to leave.
We started driving down this road that was very roller-coaster style - meaning, we were constantly going up and down; there were so many hills! As we were driving along, we were told to imagine what it felt like to drive the bus - the seat, the steering wheel, where our feet were. I felt really comfortable. The seat was nice, and I was sitting kind of as cross legged as I can when I'm driving on long road trips. It was a comfortable feel; I love road trips!
As we were driving along, we were told to let passengers on the bus. Since my bus was already full of children, I was shocked that even more people were hopping on board! A bunch of old people joined my bus at this point. So, now picture a school bus full of young children, driving up and down a hill-y road, and a bunch of old people joining us. Oh, and they were grumpy old people. Thanks for that, subconscious.
We were told to think about our interaction with all the passengers. Were they getting off? Being loud? Quiet? Seated? Talking to you? Well, turns out, once these passengers were on, they were on for good. We made no stops along the way. One grumpy old man was standing right behind me, shouting in my ear the entire time. I kept gritting my teeth, but instead of responding, I gripped the steering wheel more tightly and continued driving, knowing that these passengers were not going to leave, and I wanted to reach my end goal! I wanted to get to the beautiful countryside! I wanted to enjoy the beautiful weather, and no old man was going to stop me, regardless of how loud he shouted. The children at this point were seated, and quiet, and all I had to worry about was this old man, shouting nonsense in my ear.
At this point in the exercise, we were told to connect the experience with one of the values in our life. I did this easily. Endurance. I do not like to be told I'm not good enough. I don't care if everyone is working against me, or if the world seems set on distracting me, or telling me I'm not not going to make it. I know the end goal, and I will do anything in my power to get there. I don't give up easily. As I looked at the packed bus, full of old people, and really young children, I realized I would get there no matter what. I wasn't going to be stopped by how hard it was, or by the fact that the bus ride wasn't turning out how I had planned; I was going to get to the end, and I would do it regardless of the fact that I was alone in the goal.
As I've looked back over my life, I see this theme played out constantly in my life, from playing my trumpet, to dancing in the play I'm currently in, to being an IT person. I am constantly doing things I tell myself, or other people tell me I can't do. When I first took over my current position, a member of my office was unsure if I would be able to handle this role, because, and I quote, I was "too bubbly." When I was in 8th grade, just 2 years after I started playing the trumpet, my band teacher told me I had terrible tone. When I auditioned for this play, I was telling myself I shouldn't do it, because I can't dance! All through out my life I have had to prove to myself that I can accomplish something!
It was interesting to hear what other people said about their buses - one got on a smelly bus and hopped off and found a better bus. One had a guest list of who was allowed to come on board. Some had only friends on board, on when their friends would talk to them, they would stop the bus. One had multiple roads and kept stopping, trying to figure out what road to go down.
I did not have the trouble of figuring out where I was going - I'm following Christ. I know He will never lead me astray. I know He has it figured out, and although the road seems hill-y and long and noisy, in the end He has eternal life waiting for me. And yes, I've met a lot of people along the way who have tried to distract me, or who have pulled me down, and are that voice yelling in my ear, telling me all my imperfections as I try to navigate forward. But, through all of the confusion, and distractions, and hurtful voices - mine being included in that - there was the end goal. The joy and happiness I would find, if I endured to the end.
Each week in class we are taught new techniques to help us get through our stress - these consist of breathing exercises, imagination, hands on, and so forth. This past week, the exercise was to imagine us driving a bus. Along the way we picked up passengers. We had to determine where we were going, and what passengers were getting on board, along with the stops, the route, etc. Let me explain my bus story to you.
As we closed our eyes and pictured the bus, I automatically pictured me on a school bus, with my hair pulled up in a ponytail, wearing a white shirt, sweat pants, and no shoes. It was a sunny day, and I was in the countryside, somewhere. I love the country. Open roads, going for long drives, high sun - that's the life. So, I start driving down this bus, and automatically a line of children formed outside the door, and clamored on the bus. I was shocked at first, and tried to tell my mind to get the children off the bus! I wanted to go on a nice, slow, quiet drive through the country, and dozens of small children were flooding onto the bus, each talking loudly, and waving their arms around. I was frustrated with subconscious Cassandra for not being able to get all the children off the bus, but decided I would just have to go on with them on board, since they were not wanting to leave.
We started driving down this road that was very roller-coaster style - meaning, we were constantly going up and down; there were so many hills! As we were driving along, we were told to imagine what it felt like to drive the bus - the seat, the steering wheel, where our feet were. I felt really comfortable. The seat was nice, and I was sitting kind of as cross legged as I can when I'm driving on long road trips. It was a comfortable feel; I love road trips!
As we were driving along, we were told to let passengers on the bus. Since my bus was already full of children, I was shocked that even more people were hopping on board! A bunch of old people joined my bus at this point. So, now picture a school bus full of young children, driving up and down a hill-y road, and a bunch of old people joining us. Oh, and they were grumpy old people. Thanks for that, subconscious.
We were told to think about our interaction with all the passengers. Were they getting off? Being loud? Quiet? Seated? Talking to you? Well, turns out, once these passengers were on, they were on for good. We made no stops along the way. One grumpy old man was standing right behind me, shouting in my ear the entire time. I kept gritting my teeth, but instead of responding, I gripped the steering wheel more tightly and continued driving, knowing that these passengers were not going to leave, and I wanted to reach my end goal! I wanted to get to the beautiful countryside! I wanted to enjoy the beautiful weather, and no old man was going to stop me, regardless of how loud he shouted. The children at this point were seated, and quiet, and all I had to worry about was this old man, shouting nonsense in my ear.
At this point in the exercise, we were told to connect the experience with one of the values in our life. I did this easily. Endurance. I do not like to be told I'm not good enough. I don't care if everyone is working against me, or if the world seems set on distracting me, or telling me I'm not not going to make it. I know the end goal, and I will do anything in my power to get there. I don't give up easily. As I looked at the packed bus, full of old people, and really young children, I realized I would get there no matter what. I wasn't going to be stopped by how hard it was, or by the fact that the bus ride wasn't turning out how I had planned; I was going to get to the end, and I would do it regardless of the fact that I was alone in the goal.
As I've looked back over my life, I see this theme played out constantly in my life, from playing my trumpet, to dancing in the play I'm currently in, to being an IT person. I am constantly doing things I tell myself, or other people tell me I can't do. When I first took over my current position, a member of my office was unsure if I would be able to handle this role, because, and I quote, I was "too bubbly." When I was in 8th grade, just 2 years after I started playing the trumpet, my band teacher told me I had terrible tone. When I auditioned for this play, I was telling myself I shouldn't do it, because I can't dance! All through out my life I have had to prove to myself that I can accomplish something!
It was interesting to hear what other people said about their buses - one got on a smelly bus and hopped off and found a better bus. One had a guest list of who was allowed to come on board. Some had only friends on board, on when their friends would talk to them, they would stop the bus. One had multiple roads and kept stopping, trying to figure out what road to go down.
I did not have the trouble of figuring out where I was going - I'm following Christ. I know He will never lead me astray. I know He has it figured out, and although the road seems hill-y and long and noisy, in the end He has eternal life waiting for me. And yes, I've met a lot of people along the way who have tried to distract me, or who have pulled me down, and are that voice yelling in my ear, telling me all my imperfections as I try to navigate forward. But, through all of the confusion, and distractions, and hurtful voices - mine being included in that - there was the end goal. The joy and happiness I would find, if I endured to the end.
So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake
Just keep on reaching though the limb might break
We've come this far, don't you be scared now
'Cause you can learn to fly on the way down
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfDr_7LN-Ew
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