What I Wish I'd Said
Do you ever have those moments in your life when you meet someone who has been an inspiration to you, and you fail to put into words what they've done to make your life better? I sure hope I'm not the only one who can put it so eloquently in my mind, but when required to put into action what I'm thinking, it comes out as a mess of gibberish, awkwardness, and downright lame.
I had this moment occur last night; not to the extreme where I wanted to go bury my head, as occurs most times I interact with great people, but enough to make me wish I could go back in time and say all the thoughts I wanted to say! Since future Cassandra refuses to come find me, even though I know she figured out how to use a time machine, I will just have to write down what I wanted to say, and hope that next time I'll be more prepared.
This week, I went to the temple, with a lot of questions. Without getting too personal, I've been frustrated with some things in my life, and have been wanting more. More direction, more guidance, more clarity, more opportunities.... just more. I keep asking my mom if I will ever be content; will I ever just be happy and not want to do more? Will I ever want to settle down? I don't know. These are questions I've been asking myself a lot over the past few months.
Anyway, so, I attend the temple a lot, and tend to run into a lot of the same people over and over again, and recently I've discovered that a girl in my ward works on Thursday nights, and we have gotten to be temple buddies! This week she got to go through the session with me, which was so great! She kept turning over to me and giving me little bits of wisdom she had along the way, and it really made me think about the endowment differently. It's so funny; I've been to so many sessions, and every time I go it makes me realize how little I truly understand the endowment. I am still at a level 1 of understanding, and have a long way to go, and that's ok! We're not supposed to understand it all the first time. It's been a year and a half (almost) since I went through the temple; I'm not supposed to be perfect at it yet! I have a whole lifetime to understand it and grow from it! Isn't that amazing to think about? I love it.
As the session moved along, I realized that Pres. and Sis. Clark were in on my session too! I was so excited! The Clarks were the president at BYU-Idaho while I attended school there and just got released and moved to Salt Lake. I absolutely adored them while I was there! The weekly devotionals, Monday night FHE's with us, and running into them at Kmart were some of my highlights from college.
But, it's really been post college that I've come to really appreciate them. I work in higher education and it's interesting to me to see the difference between BYU-Idaho and other schools. The emphasis at BYU-Idaho is on the students; that can't be said for most institutions, where students are a number we need to get funding, to hire important research faculty members, to make a name for ourselves (I'm not speaking of one school in general, I'm speaking of a lot!). I've grown to appreciate the way BYU-Idaho functions and miss it! The Learning Model, the Honor Code, the ward boundaries, the caring teachers; it's hard to find schools like that out there.
I look back at my graduation from BYU-Idaho often. I just recently wrote a blog about it, remember? Right before graduation, we had grad night, where all of us graduates got to have a Q&A with President Clark and his wife. It was such a great night, and I took some notes from the counsel he gave. Most of what he said was not profound or an "ah-hah!" moment for me. It was just basic thoughts - don't work for a company that would have you compromise your standards. Hold tight to your covenants - let the world know who you are and what you stand for. Cast your net wide! Have an open mind. The Lord won't usually lead you down the easiest road - learn the lessons He is teaching along the way. These lessons have helped shape my life for the past 4 years. I keep the notes in my scripture case, and read through them often.
I read through them when I was working at the museum and decided I couldn't work there anymore. The atmosphere was one of dishonesty, mocking of God, and downright bullying. I'm not sure how many of you remember that experience, but it was a hard time for me. I looked back at these words of wisdom from President Clark and decided to quit. It was the hardest yet easiest decision at the time. I cast my net wide and found a data entry job in the Registrar's Office, and have progressed forward since then. I'm now an IT person, which is a road I never thought I'd end up on. It's not been the easiest path, but I have learned so much I could never have learned if I had not been willing to go down an obscure road.
As I've been trying to figure out what else I want to do with my life, these words of counsel have always been floating through my head. I've read and re-read the words President Clark gave, and have made changes in my life based on that counsel. That is what I wish I'd said to him this past Thursday, in the temple. Instead, I just went up and told him how much I loved him and his wife and how much I had loved my time at BYU-Idaho. I wish I had told them how much those words had shaped my life over the past four years. How I had grown to love the interactions they'd had with the students on campus.
It was a tender mercy, because as mentioned earlier, I had been seeking for more direction, and I think the Lord needed to point out that He has already given me great guidance; I just need to use it. I'm always amazed by how much of an interest the Lord takes in my life. He knows us all individually, and knows how to answer our prayers, if only we are willing to listen, reach out, ask, and review the counsel given to us!
I think this is such a great reminder, especially as Conference is upon us. Don't forget the words of the past apostles. Study the lessons given and continue studying them. They were given to help us make better lives, not just to give us a reason to sit in our pajamas all weekend.
I had this moment occur last night; not to the extreme where I wanted to go bury my head, as occurs most times I interact with great people, but enough to make me wish I could go back in time and say all the thoughts I wanted to say! Since future Cassandra refuses to come find me, even though I know she figured out how to use a time machine, I will just have to write down what I wanted to say, and hope that next time I'll be more prepared.
This week, I went to the temple, with a lot of questions. Without getting too personal, I've been frustrated with some things in my life, and have been wanting more. More direction, more guidance, more clarity, more opportunities.... just more. I keep asking my mom if I will ever be content; will I ever just be happy and not want to do more? Will I ever want to settle down? I don't know. These are questions I've been asking myself a lot over the past few months.
Anyway, so, I attend the temple a lot, and tend to run into a lot of the same people over and over again, and recently I've discovered that a girl in my ward works on Thursday nights, and we have gotten to be temple buddies! This week she got to go through the session with me, which was so great! She kept turning over to me and giving me little bits of wisdom she had along the way, and it really made me think about the endowment differently. It's so funny; I've been to so many sessions, and every time I go it makes me realize how little I truly understand the endowment. I am still at a level 1 of understanding, and have a long way to go, and that's ok! We're not supposed to understand it all the first time. It's been a year and a half (almost) since I went through the temple; I'm not supposed to be perfect at it yet! I have a whole lifetime to understand it and grow from it! Isn't that amazing to think about? I love it.
As the session moved along, I realized that Pres. and Sis. Clark were in on my session too! I was so excited! The Clarks were the president at BYU-Idaho while I attended school there and just got released and moved to Salt Lake. I absolutely adored them while I was there! The weekly devotionals, Monday night FHE's with us, and running into them at Kmart were some of my highlights from college.
But, it's really been post college that I've come to really appreciate them. I work in higher education and it's interesting to me to see the difference between BYU-Idaho and other schools. The emphasis at BYU-Idaho is on the students; that can't be said for most institutions, where students are a number we need to get funding, to hire important research faculty members, to make a name for ourselves (I'm not speaking of one school in general, I'm speaking of a lot!). I've grown to appreciate the way BYU-Idaho functions and miss it! The Learning Model, the Honor Code, the ward boundaries, the caring teachers; it's hard to find schools like that out there.
I look back at my graduation from BYU-Idaho often. I just recently wrote a blog about it, remember? Right before graduation, we had grad night, where all of us graduates got to have a Q&A with President Clark and his wife. It was such a great night, and I took some notes from the counsel he gave. Most of what he said was not profound or an "ah-hah!" moment for me. It was just basic thoughts - don't work for a company that would have you compromise your standards. Hold tight to your covenants - let the world know who you are and what you stand for. Cast your net wide! Have an open mind. The Lord won't usually lead you down the easiest road - learn the lessons He is teaching along the way. These lessons have helped shape my life for the past 4 years. I keep the notes in my scripture case, and read through them often.
I read through them when I was working at the museum and decided I couldn't work there anymore. The atmosphere was one of dishonesty, mocking of God, and downright bullying. I'm not sure how many of you remember that experience, but it was a hard time for me. I looked back at these words of wisdom from President Clark and decided to quit. It was the hardest yet easiest decision at the time. I cast my net wide and found a data entry job in the Registrar's Office, and have progressed forward since then. I'm now an IT person, which is a road I never thought I'd end up on. It's not been the easiest path, but I have learned so much I could never have learned if I had not been willing to go down an obscure road.
As I've been trying to figure out what else I want to do with my life, these words of counsel have always been floating through my head. I've read and re-read the words President Clark gave, and have made changes in my life based on that counsel. That is what I wish I'd said to him this past Thursday, in the temple. Instead, I just went up and told him how much I loved him and his wife and how much I had loved my time at BYU-Idaho. I wish I had told them how much those words had shaped my life over the past four years. How I had grown to love the interactions they'd had with the students on campus.
It was a tender mercy, because as mentioned earlier, I had been seeking for more direction, and I think the Lord needed to point out that He has already given me great guidance; I just need to use it. I'm always amazed by how much of an interest the Lord takes in my life. He knows us all individually, and knows how to answer our prayers, if only we are willing to listen, reach out, ask, and review the counsel given to us!
I think this is such a great reminder, especially as Conference is upon us. Don't forget the words of the past apostles. Study the lessons given and continue studying them. They were given to help us make better lives, not just to give us a reason to sit in our pajamas all weekend.
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